An Avatar Christmas Carol
by emletish
Summary: Azula, three years after the events of Sozin's comet, has many contrary thoughts about life, the universe and everything. She does not believe in love and she trusts nothing and no one, least of all her brother who wants to spend Christmas with her. But then Mother and a trio of ghosts see fit to intervene. A Zutara Secret Santa gift-fic.
1. Mother's ghost

**This is a GiftFic for Tenshiyaki from Zutara Secret Santa, using the prompts: **

**Christmas in a cold country**

**Christmas in a hot country  
**

**Scrooge**

**Ghosts**

**Merry Christmas Tenshiyaki and all of my lovely readers!  
**

* * *

Azula's Christmas Carol.

Part 1: Mother's Ghost

* * *

Christmas! Pah!

Azula did not like Christmas. Azula did not want a Christmas present. Azula certainly did not want to sit down to Christmas with Zuko and the Bossy Peasant,_ thank you very much!_ Azula didn't think she could stomach the sight of them feeding each other bits of meat and trying to play footsie in secret under the table.

Zuko wants her to come, for reasons** so stupid** that only he could possibly believe them. Azula has been in _the place_ for more than two years. She is, according to her doctor, "stable" enough to handle a day out with her mature guardian. Zuko'd have to sign a form that said **temporary release in the company of a mature guardian, **but she'd be allowed out.

The fact that Zuko is her mature guardian is a bit funny in itself.

Mature Zuko is a bit of an oxymoron. Those were funny.

But he's 19 and looks all grown up now. When did that happen?

He wants her to have Christmas dinner with him. Well bollocks to that! He wanted the same thing last year and look at how that turned out! Oh no, Azula is no fool. She is not falling for this again. She's not getting her hopes up this time. Last Christmas was meant to be good, but it was **awful** instead. Azula has trusted him a little less since then.

He thinks it will be "good" for them, to do something "normal families" do together. Azula questions what this dinner will be like and who will be in attendance. She stops listening when he says Bossy's name (her real one – he doesn't call her Bossy). Since _fucking when_ was the Bossy Peasant part of "their family"?

Azula doesn't want to be a "normal family" with Zuko. She doesn't want to do a normal family dinner.

Azula could tell him that he wouldn't like a normal family Christmas dinner either. She had been to a few, with Ty Lee's family (in that long, lonely period when it was just her and her father). She could tell Zuko a thing or two about normal family Christmas dinners. There is bitterness and resentment which is always aired in a dramatic fashion, normally after a few wines had been drunk and before desert. Someone would have to disgrace themselves. An elderly relative would decide it was time to be "honest" with everyone. Carrots would be thrown.

She and Zuko already did something similar most times they had dinner together. She couldn't understand why he would want more projectile vegetables thrown at his head in his life. Zuko said that according to Bossy peasant, Christmas is a time for families. Christmas is for spending time with the people you love... He gets all flustered at that. Azula gets flustered too. She dismissive of his idea, almost to the point of cruelty. Zuko leaves, saying that Christmas dinner was a stupid idea anyway and he didn't even know why he asked her in the first place.

Zuko and Azula have a secret rule; they don't say they love each other. It is better this way.

* * *

Azula does though, really. She loves him, but in a way that makes it all kinds of impossible to ever tell him. Azula used to wish that she could give him another sister. One who wasn't sick. Who didn't hurt him all the time. She wished this because she knew change wasn't an option for her. But then he went and got himself a new family – complete with replacement sister. Azula resented him for that. His ability to move on, to endure, to rebuild something from ruins.

So no, Azula did not want to sit down to Christmas dinner with Zuko, with his new shiny life and his new and better family, and spend the whole day being reminded of how he had succeeded where she had failed and that in the constant battle of their sibling rivalry, it was he who had emerged victorious.

Their childhood was a war without a name. He was the only other survivor. But he "didn't like to think on it" or he felt "it was a long time ago", or he was "trying to get past it". Sometimes Azula wanted to shake him or slap him and demand to know how he could ever **forget **any of it?

How do you even go about "getting past" something like that?

It would be like steering a ship around an iceberg. There's always more under the surface than you think. Try it, without examining the depth and breadth of that vast submerged mass, and you'd get a punctured hull, the ship would fill with water leaving millions to drown at sea in the icy waters.

Yet Zuko had managed it. He was past the dangerzone, surrounded by so many buoyant people to keep him afloat. He's moving forward. But Azula was floundering. It's funny to Azula because it always used to be the other way around.

* * *

Bossy Peasant comes once a fortnight to do a healing session with Azula. It is a technique that she picked up in Ba Sing Se and felt she just **had to **bestow upon acrimonious Azula. Azula would begrudgingly admit that it did help. She felt ...clearer, after a session with Bossy.

She often felt greatly amused after a session with Bossy. Maybe this is why the sessions help so much. Getting Bossy all up in arms and appalled over something or causing her to storm off in high dudgeon always improves Azula's mood. Like Zuko, Bossy was just so much fun to poke and pick at. Her reactions were so delightfully diverting.

Today Bossy asks her to come to Christmas as well. Well she bossily insists that Azula at least consider coming. Azula is uncooperative and argumentative. Bossy scolds. She loves getting Bossy like this. Her hands on hips, all indignant. There was pointing. Bossy frequently exclaimed _really now! _Until Azula derailed the conversation entirely by saying "Honestly Bossy, don't you have better things to do with your time – like _fucking my brother- _than bothering me about this."

Azula gets the reaction she was looking for.

She usually does.

* * *

Azula knows all about them and their "secret relationship".

Of course she does.

She's not fucking blind.

Not like the bratty Earthbender.

Who also probably knows.

Even the stupid turtleducks in the stupid pond must have cottoned on by now.

Azula can't comprehend how they have managed to keep the whole thing secret from the court, from the government officials and from the generals. She understands very well why they have to – but she can't believe they have managed it. They are both such morons.

In Azula's experience, this sort of thing, the firelord debasing himself in such a manner, would not be received well at all. Back in Firelady Pei Pei's day, Peasant Fucking was an_ Acceptable Hobby._ But all that changed under Firelord Zoran (nobody wanted to fuck him – so he fucked everybody over). Peasant Fucking became "immoral" and was one of the biggest No-Nos ever. As Firelord - you can start one of the most interminable pointless wars ever, but you can't fuck the peasants (or the Koalasheep). They **get **you for that.

She wonders what on earth Zuko does in the meetings where Bossy is present. (Bossy is in involved in some sort of international group that is aimed at healing the world with tearbending and bossiness and hope. She has bored Azula senseless telling her the details). Bossy is using her medical training in the field improve the health and sanitation in impoverished areas in the firenation. She is using several "early intervention strategies" for water-borne diseases. If these strategies are successful; they and presumably Bossy, will be unleashed upon the world at large.

Anyway Bossy has to report on progress and how she is using government funds to better the lives of stinky, sludge ridden river brats– and Azula dearly wants to know what Zuko does in these meetings. Does he spend the whole time discreetly concealing a boner? Or does he think about socks, slugs and Uncle's special 5 O'clock time and other such repellent and non-sexual things?

Azula has to hand to to Zuko and Bossy – they are sneakier than she gave them credit for. They have been _doing the squelchy_ for ages and no one in the government seems any the wiser. However Azula knows. She is not meant to know. They have never told her. They still deny it to this day. But she knows.

She just put two and two together.

It has become the trump card she keeps up her sleeve.

Whenever she wants one of them to fuck off and leave her alone, or she wants to end the conversation, or she just wants some entertainment – she mentions the fact that she is sure they are fucking each other. The ensuing reactions are always worth it. There can be:

Strident denials.

Panicked deflection.

Flustered blushing.

Lame excuses.

Shouting.

Affirmations of "just friendship".

Storming off.

Suddenly realising that they are "Very Busy and Important and simply must go".

Some sort of combination of the above.

Azula knows, but she is not meant to know. She has discovered that she actually wants Zuko to just end this farce and "tell her" properly. That would be a sign of trust. But Zuko doesn't trust her. There is so much he doesn't tell her.

* * *

She has tried to prompt confessions from him in all manner of ways. The most hilarious of which was she pretended that she wanted to experiment with lesbianism with Bossy.

Azula did this whole spiel to Zuko about how Bossy was so beautiful that her beauty had **slain Azula's heterosexuality stone dead**. No more would Azula want the boys! No, Azula now wanted Bossy. Bossy was such a delicious, tawdry minx. Her skin was so brown, her eyes were so blue, her hair was so shiny. Bossy was finer than a July day. Azula would totally tap that.

Azula said she wanted Bossy's soft, brown hands all over her body. She wanted to touch her pert boobs, grab her fine arse and play with her bouncy, shiny, unicorn-like hair. Azula could understand why _anyone_ would want to **bang** Bossy. It was an _understandable _urge.

Zuko's reaction had been _beyond priceless. _

Azula thought she's made his brain explode.

* * *

He was just so much fun to mess with. She didn't know how anyone could possibly resist. What did Uncle do? Did he feign ignorance and then mess with his beloved nephew from the sidelines? Or had Zuko trusted him enough and told him?

Well that was neither here nor there. Azula didn't care if Zuko trusted her. Not really.

* * *

Azula had been great at messing. It was one of her favourite hobbies. Her doctors were always telling her that she needed hobbies.

This summer, Zuko had got several extravagant presents (including a veritable vat of some repellent salty substance called stewed seaprunes, shipped in especially from the south pole) for his "friend" Bossy for her birthday. He wanted Azula to sign a card for precious Bossy, saying that this was "her day" and she had been so good to Azula and Azula should "make an effort".

Azula had written on the card a very rude message along the lines of _please accept these gifts from my brother and I. If you wish, we can improve your birthday by giving you lots of oral sex later. Oral sex which you will not need to reciprocate, because this day is __**about you. **_

Azula thinks that Bossy was amused by this. Zuko was not. He took it **so seriously,** which is the same way he takes everything.

There had been a small kerfuffle with Zuko when he came to see her next. He blathered on about how he would totally accept her "lifestyle" choices, and if she were gay...that'd be okay...because hey, he'd like her anyway etc, etc. But she had to** stop hitting on Bossy. **

The card thing came not long after the spiel about being a lesbian for Bossy and Azula thinks he really got the wrong end of the stick there.

But it was sweet of him to say, all the same.

* * *

Azula stopped finding all the messing funny last week. Azula had liked teasing when she thought it was just a quick fling. She's always liked making Zuko feel awkward over girls. (Agni was it easy to make him feel awkward about girls).

She honestly thought that it would just be a quick passing fling, a satisfaction of curiosity and bodily urges. She honestly thought they'd get over it quickly and tire of one another's company. She didn't think that they were actually _serious. _

But then Azula had_ seen _them together and all the things she had been teasing them about were confirmed in the worst possible way.

It wasn't just sex between them.

It was love, and that was a thousand times worse than Azula ever imagined.

Azula is allowed to wander the grounds now. She came across them, at the end of a hallway.

A idle Thursday. Bossy is in her doctor's scrubs, over her shoulder a bag of supplies she'd "borrowed" from the cupboards here. Zuko is on his way to see Azula. His face is tired. Then it is surprised, then delighted. Bossy is also surprised. She smiles openly at him. A happy accident. A quick glance around. Azula, just coming around the corner, darted back quickly. They thought they were alone.

There is some murmured conversation. Then Bossy placed her hand gently on Zuko's cheek. There was a soft, quick kiss, a casual meeting of lips, done so offhandedly that it must be a commonplace gesture for the both of them.

Azula did not want to see any more. She walked further back, and then started stomping loudly towards them. When she turned the corner, they had jumped apart. There was no indication of how close they were standing moments ago. Bossy leaves, Zuko comes to have dinner with her, like everything is the same. Azula is unrelentingly horrible to him for the entire visit. She feels sick to her stomach over what she witnessed.

It was the expression on Zuko's face, as he spoke to Bossy. Azula hopes to Agni she never has cause to have such a **soppy and ridiculous **expression on her face. It was the way he sighed as she touched him. She is so bothered by that expression and that sigh. She is so bothered by the way he _looked _at the Bossy Peasant.

Azula had never seen anyone touch her brother so gently, so lovingly. There was such a pure and simple affection in that little moment in the hallway. There was a feeling between them, they practically radiated it. Contentment, desire, comfort all in one. The feeling seems as sweet and beautiful as it is unexpected.

Azula suspects it is love.

It fills Azula with fear. It fills her with confusion.

She doesn't understand love. Father called it the most inconstant force in the universe, and she suspects he is right about this, if nothing else. She was always taught that it was better to be feared than loved. This was explicitly taught. This was an inbuilt lesson into everything their father did after mother left.

Love made you so vulnerable. It meant that there were so many other places where people could hurt you. Oh, there were so many different and creative ways to make people feel pain when they had someone they loved.

Love was a weakness. It made you weak.

Love only ever ended it pain. It only hurt people.

It was an inconvenient and inconstant and uncontrollable feeling. Azula already had enough uncontrollable feelings, _thank you very much. _She had enough to be getting on with.

Wasn't Zuko scared?

Wasn't he fucking _terrified? _

They'd both seen _how bad _this could get. This whole love business. They'd witnessed first hand the damage it wrought. Love has an incredible capacity to_ destroy_ when it turns sour. They had seen the holes it ripped in people when the person they loved was taken from them. If Azula had been him, she would not have been able to lace up her shoes and head for the hills fast enough. She would have **run **as far and as fast as she could from Bossy.

Instead of running from her, Zuko looked at Bossy like he thought he'd never seen anything more beautiful. He looked at her without a trace of fear, and when she reached out to touch him he didn't flinch away in the slightest. (Involuntary flinching when touched was habit for him at one point).

What were he and Bossy playing at?

They couldn't ever get married, not with their respective positions. Any match between them was completely unacceptable. Zuko could not have picked a more inconvenient person to fall in love with. It was stupid, thoughtless, and reckless falling in love with the Bossy Peasant. It would only end in tears.

It had _already_ resulted in tears.

She'd felt angry at them. They were both smarter than this. Didn't they see how impossible it was? How it was futile? It would never work. It would never last.

Maybe she would have Christmas with them when they weren't being imbeciles, but she certainly wasn't going to be in attendance while this idiocy was still going on. The thought of them in love would put her right off her turkeyduck. She'd vomit all over the cranberry sauce in disgust at their ridiculous relationship.

Being alone on christmas was a much better alternative. All things considered.

* * *

She goes to bed, completely resolute in her decision.

She wakes to the sound of her mother humming softly. A strange enough occurrence in itself. Her mother wasn't prone to wake them up if they were sleeping. She'd always had a hard enough time getting them to bed in the first place. She'd only ever been woken deliberately by her mother once.

Mother waking her was strange because Mother was dead also.

Absolutely dead.

Very plausibly dead.

Probably dead.

Zuko had been looking for three years, with the usual determination he applied to any task. He had found nothing. Though neither of them had said anything about giving up, and Zuko assured her that he was still looking, they both knew that there was a very strong likelihood that their mother was no longer with the living.

But yet, she was still with Azula.

Azula told her to fuck off instantly. She was beyond pissed off at her mother for imposing on her in this manner. She hadn't hallucinated her mother for ages now.

She thought she was getting better.

She was improving.

That was why she got grounds privileges. That was why she was allowed out for "days out with her mature guardian". She wasn't about to let her mother come back and fuck things up for her now.

Mother took being told to fuck off, having eight pillows thrown at her and being punched in the face in stride. She was transparent so the pillows and the punching did naught.

Azula, who was not one prone to imploring, appealed to her mother's good nature. Things were getting better for Azula – so Mother had to go. She wasn't real anyway, and Azula could not be seen talking to her. Then Azula pinched herself. Despite the imploring and the pinching – Mother remained.

She was different to the other visions Azula had seen. At least they had the good manners to leave when they were unwelcome. Azula quickly put her finger on what made this Mother so different. "Why are you wearing chains?" she asks bluntly.

Her mother looks ridiculous; covered head to toe in the things. Mother smiles and shrugs good-naturedly. The chains jingle. She gives Azula a cheeky grin and just says "because they look dramatic."

Azula knows her whole family has a flair for drama – Zuko especially is ridiculously dramatic. He's more dramatic than an Ember Island Player in a death scene. And now here is her mother, haunting her and wearing giant chains like they are costume jewellery. This is taking matters a bit far. Haunting in costume! Really now! She mutters "Now I know where Zuzu gets it from." under her breath.

Mother sits next to her, and jostles her good-naturedly while she says "Just kidding darling. They are here to show you something."

Mother explains that the chains are a metaphor. It is an especially relevant metaphor for them. For this family. For the way they live their lives. Some chains weigh someone down, like a millstone or an albatross around their neck. These chains forged by ill deeds and causing the suffering of others. Azula is expecting a lecture about her ill-deeds during the war. Sometimes her mother does this – but Dr Jung says that it is really Azula's guilt and her subconscious tag-teaming on her. But no lecture is forthcoming.

These are not the chains her mother wishes to speak to her about.

Mother wishes to talk to her about the other sorts of chains. Chains that lift us up where we belong. Azula has absolutely no idea what she is talking about. Mother shakes her head quickly and apologises. "Ooh sorry darling, I'm probably confusing you. I'm meant to tell you that", Mother lowers her voice dramatically, before rasping out, "**these chains are the ones I forged in life. I made them link by link." **Then her face clears and she smiles brightly and says "That's the official line at least...for this sort of thing."

Mother seems to think that this will make things clearer for Azula – but mother is wrong. What sort of thing is this?

Mother's smile is gentle. Her hand cups Azula's face. She softly says "It's an intervention, my darling".

Mother has arranged for three spirits to come and visit Azula.

Azula wishes that Mother would not arrange her social life now that she is dead. It is most inconvenient to be haunted by one's mother and have her arrange play dates with spirits behind your back without a by-your-leave. And intervention is entirely unnecessary.

Mother disagrees.

Azula argues. What on earth could she possible need an intervention for? What vice could she possibly pick up in this hospital. She doesn't smoke. She doesn't gamble. She is not allowed alcohol and the only drugs she takes are the ones administered to her by Dr Jung.

"It's the chains darling." Mother says suddenly. "You are so _frightened_ of them". She is right. Azula is repulsed by them.

"But you needn't be...no, you **mustn't be **frightened." Mother continues.

Azula recoils as Mother gathers up some links and thrusts them into her arms. They chink together in a soft melody that sounds like bells. They are light and warm. They do not feel like cold steel chains at all.

Mother is insistent as she exclaims "These chains are good. They don't** hurt **me darling. They have never hurt me. I made these chains willingly. I wore them willingly. These chains bind us together."

Azula announces a desire to have the entirety of the chains melted down for scrap metal, if that is the case. If these chains are what keeps her connected to this apparition then she wishes to sever every link of the stupid things. What use is it to be chained to a dead woman? So that she can bring you down with her? Azula would never wish to be chained to anyone, least of all her mother.

"That is why you need an intervention my darling." Mother says softly.

Then she smiles sadly, and gets up to leave. The chains jangle melodiously again. But now they sound like soft music that is unlike any music Azula has heard before. Mother glances over her should just once, as she departs. She says "You should expect the first spirit when the gong tolls midnight." Her tone is comforting. Her words are ominous.

* * *

Notes:

So this is the first Part of Azula's Christmas Carol. I've thrown a few Dickens lines in here - but as you can tell, I am reinventing the classic tale somewhat. Also _If you were gay -that would be okay - because hey -I'd like you anyway_ - are lyrics from the very cheeky, and very brilliant Avenue Q.

Onwards to part 2 - the Ghost of Christmas Past.


	2. Ghost of Christmas past

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The first of three spirits: the ghost of Christmas past.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Azula does not sleep a wink, though she tries. She tosses and turns. Mostly she waits. Midnight comes. The Gong tolls. For a moment she holds her breath in anticipation. But nothing happens. She feels like a fool for expecting anything different. She sighs in relief. The relief is short lived. Moments later, her room is filled with the most vivid light. A high, childish voice is apologising rapidly for being late and blathering excuses. The light dims and she can see the source.

It's the fucking Avatar of all people.

Not the avatar as he is now, a 15-year-old gangly man-child, who is determined to teach Ty Lee to focus on airbending no matter how patient sighs and shiny things it takes.

(Shiny things are the best motivator for Ty Lee.)

Azula is steadfastly ignoring Ty Lee's airbending, in the vain hope that it will go away.

Ty Lee still visits her all the time, whenever she is back in the firenation with the Avatar (which is quite frequently). The last few occasions, she has bought the Avatar with her. Ty Lee thinks the Avatar is "an old soul" and that he, with his infinite temple wisdom and childish joy in everything, is meant to "help" Azula. Azula thinks this is preposterous and makes many sarcastic comments to this effect, but agrees, simply because it is Ty Lee asking.

Ty Lee is her oldest friend. Her only proper friend now that Mai has severed all ties and has gone off to have adventures and be a bounty hunter.

The Avatar's visits are pointless for helping her. However the last visit was wonderfully diverting. Simply because the Avatar got frustrated. This is a sight as rare as unicorns, as rare as Bossy peasant not being bossy, as rare as Zuko not being awkward. And The Avatar wasn't frustrated with her – but with Ty Lee.

Ty Lee was nearing master level, but she had resolutely refused to consider shaving half her head. And she would only consider getting the tattoos if they could be "girly" and "swirly" and "pink". Blue arrows would not work for her complexion or with any of her outfits. Ty Lee was being vain – and the Avatar saw this as a bad thing. Azula simply thought that vanity was a natural consequence of looking like Ty Lee. If Azula looked like that, she'd be vain as all fuck too.

Azula did her best to stir the argument between them, alternatively taking sides and fuelling discord with cheeky comments. She thought that Ty Lee would be so mad that she'd never want to see the Avatar again, let alone be an airbender. But then the Avatar ruined it by being "sweet".

He'd gotten her an outfit made up that was much like her circus costume, just in oranges instead of pinks. He'd told her that she could be an airbender her own way and didn't have to follow his ways. He'd completely capitulated – the coward! He did it all to make Ty Lee happy – the idiot!

Azula had heard so much about how stubborn the Avatar was about his beliefs and the ways of his people. She had not anticipated this outcome. She has resented the Avatar (the slimy friend thief) and his "sweetness" ever since. Thankfully for the spirit, he does not look like the Avatar as he actually is now (otherwise he would get such a slap).

No, the spirit that stands before her looks like the Avatar as he was _then,_ back when she first knew him as a child. He looks so young. Baby-soft. Baby-innocent. His innocence is written all over his face. It is so delicate that it almost demands that other people be mindful of it and take care of it. Azula has no time for his innocence. She never did.

Azula snaps "Save it baldy! I don't have time for any of your doe-eyed, let's love everyone bullshit tonight" before he even has a chance to open his mouth.

The child-like Avatar ignores her protests. He gestures at the window and says that they should probably get going. He adds sheepishly that he was a bit late, and they don't really have much time. Azula stomps her foot and says "I'm not going anyway with you Avatar – so you can just shove it".

The Avatar claims that he is not the Avatar. He is the Ghost of Christmas Past. He only seems like the Avatar because that is how she imagines him. He explains this in great detail. He appears to people as a child, someone they associate with innocence. Who that child looks like depends entirely on the person he is appearing to.

This has got to be her most elaborate hallucination ever. Azula knew she was crazy, but she did not think she was _this_ crazy.

It seems like the Avatar, oops the Ghost of Christmas Past, reads her mind, because he quickly tells her that she is not crazy. He can prove it to her too. He can take her to the past. All she has to do is take his hand. Also it is not really a request. They will go to the past whether she wills it or no, but the journey will be exceedingly quicker and more comfortable if she holds his hand.

After a moment's hesitation, she does, muttering "may as well get this over with" under her breath.

The Avatar gives her a slightly admonishing look and says "You shouldn't be so glum. I like to start all my adventures on a more **upbeat note.** And for all you know, we are going to have** so much fun** together."

"Now I** really** want to just get this over with." Azula sneers back.

The Avatar smiles, and says "well, lets go then!" enthusiastically. He takes her outstretched hand and they lurch towards the window at an astonishing speed. Azula is terrified. She is not an airbender like the airheaded child Avatar. She'll fall. She hates the sensation of falling. Before she can protest, the Avatar grips her hand and whoops out a joyous "geronimo!" This is the last thing Azula hears before a great and terrible _Whooooooooosh!_

Colours blur and dance and run together. The world spins tospy-turvy. Just as abruptly her feet slam into the ground, and she lands on her back, in a strange yet familiar place.

* * *

They are in the royal library. Ten years ago.

Azula stands in front of her younger self, gobsmacked. The Avatar looks pleased with himself, but resists saying " I told you so." Before her very eyes, Azula sees a younger version on herself. The Avatar asks her what she is doing. The sight, the smell in the library brings it all back to her. A thousand little cares and thoughts, all seemingly insignificant now.

She wanted to be outside playing with Zuko and Lu Ten– but she couldn't because she was "special." Sometimes she hated being "special". But she also loved it. Grandfather will be at dinner this evening. Her father likes her to be able to curry favour with grandfather. Father thinks the best way to do this is by knowing his successful strategies and complimenting him on them. Azula has been tasked with studying them.

"Rar! I am the giant Earthbending monster and I shall gobble you all up!" comes Lu Ten's deep voice from outside. "Not if you can't catch me first!"a young Zuko taunts back. There is the sound of a scuffle and running feet and a shriek of delight. Young Azula looks towards the sound. Her eyes are wistful. They are lonely. She turns back to the book. The rustling of the papers is the only sound in the room.

"Airbenders don't understand these things." the Avatar remarks.

"You weren't ever lonely as a child?" Azula asks.

" In the temples, those who were born in the same year as you, who lived in the same temple, were your brothers. I had over 200 brothers, when I was your age here." The Avatar explains mildly.

"sheesh, and I thought one brother was more than enough! Airbenders really **don't **understand these things." Azula replies. Just then, her more-than-enough brother knocks loudly on the library door.

His voice, young, much higher than it is now, calls from beyond the wood panelling. "Azula? Are you done in there yet? It's time to play Azuuuuuula."

Lu Ten shushed him. "She'll come out when she's ready Snugs. You shouldn't bother her now. You know how mad your dad gets when you do that."

Zuko, even at nine years old possesses the tact of a catapult, says bluntly "He's always mad. You know that!"

"Yes, he is. But Snugs, you shouldn't try and _make _him mad okay." Lu Ten, trying to warn him, even then.

"I don't _try _to! He just gets mad" Zuko is defensive.

"I know you don't Snugs" Lu Ten, backing down, not wanting to continue down this path. Not wanting to _blame_ Zuko for their father's temper. Too late though and her sensitive brother has already heard the unspoken accusation.

Lu Ten speaks again, his voice comforting. "Hey, don't make that face. Come here." a pause. A hug. "We're friends again right? Good."

" I'm still going in to see if Azula is done with her smelly books." Zuko declares.

Lu Ten sighs audibly, as Zuko bursts into the room. He darts over to Azula and slams shut the book she is reading, declaring that boring, stinky book time is over!

Is it any wonder that Azula is still better at history and all the other boring, stinky book related things than her stupid big brother?

Young Azula pretends to be annoyed and makes much ado about how she just wants to be left alone to study. But Azula remembers how delighted she had been to be interrupted. Oh how easily she was persuaded to abandon the books. Zuko cajoled her into a pointless game of hide-and-seek/run away from the big scary earthbending giant monster.

The big scary monster is actually Lu Ten – who makes spooky groaning noises and says things like "Fie Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood to tiny childruuuun!" this causes much panicked shrieking on Zuko and Azula's part and they flee!

There is a great hiding space under the stairs. Young Azula gets there first, but she magnanimously lets Zuko hide with her – only to kick him out just as the monster is coming. Zuko protests indignantly. The monster laughs at their antics and scoops them both up. There is much play wrestling.

Sometime later, Lu Ten flops on the ground exhausted. The both snuggle up to him, in a way that they would never dare do to their father, or even their Uncle (who would sometimes play games with them when he was back from the front). Zuko says that he wishes every Christmas could be like this.

Lu Ten's face goes serious and he sits up. "I wish every Christmas could be like this too kids. But you guys know that I'm going to be at the front next year, so next year will be a little different." Zuko and Azula both nod solemnly. Even at this young age, they can tell that this is serious grown up talk.

"So next Christmas, I'll need you guys to look out for each other okay. You, Snugs will need to make sure that Young Miss here gets some fun and doesn't shut out the world during the holidays. And you, my little Miss Azula, will need to keep this sneaky Snugs out of trouble."

There is a slight pause, before Lu Ten says "When I get return, you guys can go back to throwing carrots at each other, but just promise me you'll look after each other while I'm gone."

They both promise.

At the time, they meant it.

The scene darkens and fades. Azula keeps her eyes on Lu Ten, til the very last second.

* * *

Christmas the next year, is a sombre affair. The Seige still continues. The adults are thrown off kilter by this. The firenation cannot fail, and yet it has not succeeded. Uncle and Lu Ten are gone. Firelord Azulon is unavailable for christmas dinner because he has things to do and he is disappointed in father. Father is angry. Mother is sick again. She is sick because Father is angry at her. Azula remembers it all. There has been shouting a few nights ago. Several loud bangs. Azula sees her Mother putting on a brave face and not wanting to "ruin Christmas". She sees her Mother making sure they have a nice little feast, just the three of them. Their father comes home in the middle of it. Azula, older now, realises that he is disgustingly drunk. As a child she thought he was just walking that way to be _funny. _Mother's eyes go wide in fear. There is a sharp intake of breathe from all three of them.

The Avatar Ghost watches it all with her. Then he says "It's like your dad just did an forbidden lungbend." with an almost academic interest. Azula does not understand what on earth that means.

"It's like he pushed out all the breathable air out of the room until there was none left for the three of you." The Avatar explains, before giving her a worried and sympathetic glance. She wants to give him a slap – to take that look off his face.

But he's not wrong. She has to give him that too. Dad pushing out the breathable air? It was _exactly_ like that.

Mother couldn't survive it.

Neither could Zuko.

The only one who could live and thrive in that toxic atmosphere was Azula.

Mother assesses the situation in an instant, her clever eyes are appraising. She gets up, she wanders over to Father. She places a hand on his arm; a hand that could be affectionate, or restraining, depending on how charitable you feel to the persons involved. Azula can tell she's scared. But she is firm when she admonishes father with a hissed "not in front of the children."

Father's eyes narrow in anger. Mother weighs her options and quickly changes tactics "Just let me put them to bed, and then you and I can have some_ alone time_. You beautiful man you." She winks. Azula can't help but observe that her mother was a clever woman. Appealing to the massive and giant ego. The only constant with their father. Father nods at her eagerly, "well, get rid of them then".

Azula knows there is no desire then. Not at that stage in the game. She remembers Mother insisting on separate bedrooms. Father, possessive and lustful, always trying to get back in. Azula looks at her mother with new eyes. The things she'd do to protect them from their father's wrath. It came to naught in the end, but at least she tried.

Azula sees the rest of the scene play out, as if from a distance. She tries to distance herself at least. She tries to pretend that this happened to someone else, as she sees her mother grab her hand and Zuko's hand and walk them down the hall. Far away down the hall. To the guest rooms. She picks the one furthest away from the dining room.

Mother spends the whole time insisting that "everything is fine" and "everything is alright". All that this insisting will do is give both her children an intense mistrust of these words. When everything is _really_ fine, no one feels the need to insist over and over again that "everything is fine".

Mother says that they are playing a game called '_lets sleep in a different room tonight_'. They should both stay here tonight. They should just stay here, and not come out. Leaving the room is against **The Rules **of The Game. They shouldn't come out, no matter what they hear.

* * *

Zuko sometimes played the Tsungi horn for her when their parents fought. It drowned out the sound for the most part. He doesn't have the horn right now and so they hear everything as clear as a bell. They hear shouting. Lots of it. About Azula being a monster and Zuko being useless. Then crashes. Then the bad sort of silence.

Azula doesn't know which is worse.

* * *

Late at night, there is a conversation. Zuko and Azula are sharing the bed and lying top to tail. Zuko puts his big foot in her face and begins.

"Hey Azula – are you awake?"

"I am now. Dum dum."

"Fine! Be like that!"

"Well you just put you're stinky foot in my face – what do you expect."

"My foot isn't stinky and I just wanted to say something to you. But I wont now that you are being all cranky."

"What is it? You can't put your foot in my face and then not tell me."

"Look I just wanted to tell you that …..I don't think your turning into a monster."

"No?"

"No. You're turning into a prickly, annoying smartarse...but not a monster."

"Oh...err...thanks?"

"You're welcome."

"Hey Zuko..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm only going to say this once, and if you tell Dad I said it – I'll kill you in your sleep and do a really smelly fart in your room on my way out...but...You're not useless. Okay."

"Thanks"

….

…..

….

"Hey Azula – are you still awake.

"Yeeesss – because somebody wont shut up."

"I just want to say merry Christmas."

"urgh – fine, merry Christmas Zuko."

* * *

Next Christmas, Azula is nine and Zuko is eleven. Their mother is gone. Their brave, kind cousin is dead. So is their grandfather (but he was never kind to either of them, so they are less affected by this loss). Their Uncle has ensconced himself inside his room. He takes no visitors. He welcomes no comforts. He pretends it is not Christmas.

They are not allowed to be sad about any of it. Those are The Rules of Dad's game. It's a game called _do exactly as I say, agree with me always, flatter my ego, never question me... and I wont hurt you_.

Zuko is dreadful at this game. He was much better at _lets sleep in a different room tonight._

Dad has banned the mention of Mother and Lu Ten. You do not say their names. Dad has banned all variations on three questions. Where is mother? How did grandfather _really _die? Should we check on Uncle? Any of these questions will lead to Trouble. Zuko finds himself **In Trouble** a lot lately, especially for questions 1 and 3.

Question 3 is really worrying him today. Uncle is now officially Not Eating. In anyone, this would be a concerning sign. For Uncle with his vast jolly girth, and his endless appetite for...everything, it is beyond troublesome. The cook has told their father and received what she considered an inadequate response. The cook has since had a word to Zuko.

Dad is out. He has set Azula a vast amount of battle strategies to memorise. She is in the library again. Zuko comes, silent as a shadow, and asks her if she would like to visit Uncle with him. Maybe seeing them might help. Maybe they can try get him to eat something.

"We can't just sit here and do nothing!" he insists

"Why not?" Azula is nonchalant. Sitting here and doing nothing was exactly her plan.

"Because he's our Uncle."

"Associating with Uncle will get you **into Trouble.** There's not point cultivating an alliance there Zuko. He's not powerful any more." She's trying to warn him really. Dad hates it when people prefer Uncle. Dad is the one they have to worry about.

" He's our Uncle – how can you say that?" Zuko says cross. He is looking at her with their mother's evaluating gaze and then adds in a tone so scolding he also obviously picked that up from her too. "Is that all anything is about with you? Power?" He says it like focusing on power is a bad thing.

"Yes, it is. Of course it is. Everything is." Azula is airy.

But, at the end of the day, everything in their lives is about power; who has it, who doesn't, how to get more.

Azula thinks about these things. Zuko doesn't.

This is the most crucial difference between them.

"Whatever." Zuko is frustrated and giving up on this conversation. Giving up on her.

He looks at her like he's never been so disappointed or disgusted. Azula feels a twang deep inside. She shouldn't even care what Zuko thinks of her, really. There is no use cultivating an alliance with Zuko either, so his opinion shouldn't really matter.

He turns to leave. He's actually just going to go and leave her on Christmas. Azula doesn't want to be left alone on Christmas. It is a weakness in her, she knows. It's a weakness she hasn't conquered yet, obviously, because she hears herself call out "no, wait. Don't go. I'll come with you."

She meant it at the time.

-o-

She loses her nerve, two steps into Uncle's room. The smell of unwashed sheets and unwashed human just hits them right in the face. Their Uncle, famed General, one of the most respected men in the firenation, is huddled in the foetal position on his bed. This grieving, empty shell of a person is not the Uncle that she knows.

This strange man scares her. All this emotion frightens her. It's too crushing. There's too much despair. Uncle has aged a thousand years in six months. He never laughs any more. Azula doesn't understand what happened to him. Where did the other guy, the other Uncle, the one who liked tea, lame jokes and hot baths go?

The man who looks like Uncle mumbles "go away."

"It's me and Azula, Uncle". Zuko says next to her, trying for a normal tone, as if the fact that it is them would make a jot of difference.

"It's not me" Azula says quickly, bowing out.

She can't do this.

Zuko flashes her a look of confusion and disappointment. "I'll go outside and keep a lookout, in case dad comes home early". She offers lamely. An excuse to cover her cowardice. Zuko understands though, and he just nods towards the door. She waits outside, peering in.

Zuko approaches Uncle the same way one would approach a wild animal; cautiously. He shakes Uncle gently with his left hand. The right hand holds a plate aloft. Uncle's head emerges, irritated from the blankets. "I said go away" he barks.

But his eyes suddenly go wide with incomprehension as he stares at Zuko standing above him.

He looks like he doesn't recognise Zuko properly. Indeed, this is because he doesn't. Uncle whispers, with his voice shaking with tremulous fragile hope, "Lu Ten?"

Zuko and Lu Ten only look vaguely alike. Its something in the jawline.

"No, it's me. It's Zuko." Azula can tell that her brother is startled and upset by this development, but he tries not to show it. From her vantage point on this spirit journey, she can see her young brother hesitate, unsure. She sees that he thinks that maybe their Uncle_ really is_ losing it.

A terrible silence. A Lu Ten shaped hole in everybody.

"It's so dark in here, how about I open these curtains for you." Zuko offers.

"No".

"oh...okay. I brought you some komodo chicken." Zuko, trying again, waggles the plate at Uncle.

"I don't care for it." Uncle's voice is dead and flat and empty.

"What would you prefer? Cook will make you whatever you want."

Uncle wants nothing but to be left in peace.

There is another silence. This one is an awkward stubborn one. Zuko remains rooted to the spot, hesitating for a second. Then he puts the plate down on the table next to the bed. There is a soft chink. It sounds like one of the noises mother's chains made.

"Well, I'm going to leave this here for you." Zuko says kindly, then he adds firmly, in a good imitation of Mother's brisk tone "I think you should eat it all the same. It's better than eating nothing."

Uncle says nothing, but rolls away.

"I'm not leaving until you eat some of it." Zuko crosses his arms. Slightly impatient.

No response from Uncle.

"Fine then! If you don't eat at least some, I am going to sing _this is the song that doesn't end_ until you do." He sounds angry now. But he is also sad.

"_This is the song that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end..." _Its in an incongruously cheerful tune to sing in a room of such sadness.

Azula watching from the sidelines with the child-Avatar, now recognises this moment for what it was.

It is the first of many** stubborn-offs **between two staggeringly stubborn people. Uncle has a lifetime of intractability behind him. But Zuko is just starting to test the limits of his vast amount of obstinacy. Also the extent of how _annoying_ he can actually be.

"Cripes, he's really not giving up." The Avatar observes, sounding vaguely appalled and vaguely impressed as _this is the song that does not end _enters its eight minute.

"Yeah, he's annoying like that." Azula agrees, before adding "and he wonders why I don't want to spend Christmas with him, when this is how he carries on."

"Who cracks first?" the Avatar asks, genuinely curious.

"Uncle, but only after another six minutes."

"Let's skip to that. I hate this song."

"I thought the avatar was meant to love everything in the universe?"

"Even Avatars are allowed to hate this song."

They skip to the bit where Uncle just can't take it any more. Nearly fifteen minutes of _this is the song that doesn't end _has frayed the last of his patience. He flings the blankets back, shouting "Shut up! Shut up! For Agni's sake, shut up before I wring your neck!" He's scary then. The Dragon of the West. But Zuko doesn't back down. Doesn't flinch away. The flinching only happens with Dad.

Zuko does stop singing. This is no small blessing. Even the pacifist Avatar was on the verge of resorting to violence. One more rendition of_ this is the song that does not end _would have pushed him and his 'Violence-is-never-the-answer philosophy' over the edge_._

Uncle demands why on earth Zuko would pick _that _song to sing repetitively. Uncle has taught him Four Seasons! He has taught him Brave Solider Boy! He has taught him so many tunes that are more pleasing to the ear than _that _travesty. What on earth does Zuko want from him!

"I want you to eat!" Zuko thunders back. "I want you to have a bath and change your shirt and open your curtains!" Uncle is silenced again. His face opens in surprise and shock. Such simple demands, such necessary adjustments if Uncle is ever to crawl out of this gaping hole that he has climbed into. Once again Uncle is looking at Zuko like he doesn't properly recognise him.

Another pause. A weighty pause. Breaths are held.

Uncle takes the plate and eats a few bites.

Breaths are released.

"Just so you know... for next time, I really don't care for Komodo chicken." Uncle says after he has eaten enough mouthfuls to appease Zuko's grumpy face. "I much prefer roast duck."

"I'll keep it in mind." Zuko says. She can hear the smile in his voice. This is a little victory. An invitation for a next time.

"Also, as soon as I figure out a song that annoys you as much as _that travesty_ annoys me; Your ears will ring from hearing me sing it over and over and over again." Uncle says, there is the faintest, briefest glimpse of his old humour.

"That seems fair". Zuko concedes.

There is another pause. Zuko seems to think there is not much else to say besides "Merry Christmas Uncle".

Both Azulas, one standing guard outside, one watching from the sidelines, frown. There is nothing Merry about this Christmas.

The Avatar places a comforting hand on her shoulder, and the world blurs again.

* * *

Another Christmas.

Azula is in the library again. Zuko comes to bother her, as is his habit. Neither of them know it, but this is the last Christmas before his banishment. It is the first Christmas that she willingly lets him go.

This Christmas there have been new carpets laid. When you rub your feet on them, you can give someone else an electric shock. The first day that it was laid, Azula and Zuko had a smart battle. Dad quickly forbid this activity too. But Dad is not here right now.

Zuko sneaks up, barefoot. He thinks he is being wily. Azula sees her young self, very subtly slide her feet out of her shoes and start rubbing them against the carpet. Young Azula feigns like she is unaware of Zuko, and smirks to herself. At the crucial moment, she turns. Static charges are released.

There are two shocks. Nobody is hurt.

There is a small joyous struggle. It is almost like their play-fights from when they were kids. A dangerous edge that has crept into their fights recently. A new bitterness to their competition. But right at this one moment, all that doesn't matter. There is Zuko and Azula and barefeet. There are squeals of delight and childish taunts of_ you can't catch me! _There are little itty bits of static electricity that do no lasting damage. There is, miraculously, incredibly, implausibly, laughter between them. The moment almost sparkles.

Then there is a gong and Uncle's voice summoning Zuko. The fragile sparkling moment shatters.

Zuko has to leave. He is going to have Christmas with Uncle at his friend, Master Piandao's house. Uncle is better this Christmas. Uncle is "making an effort." Uncle has got presents and arranged for a lavish feast, and has decided that he would like to be in the company of friends and family after all. Zuko and Azula were both invited.

Zuko accepts. Azula refuses.

Azula knows which side her bread is buttered on, because _You mustn't try to make him angry. _Zuko, as usual, doesn't think of these things.

Zuko only thinks it is "nice" of Uncle to "make an effort".

Dad interprets this as an act of rebellion on Zuko's part. He and Uncle have had a fight and are Not Speaking. Dad sees Zuko preferring the company of Uncle as a treasonous betrayal for which he will never be forgiven. But Zuko doesn't know that yet either.

"Well I'm off...are you sure you don't want to come?" Zuko, smiling, shrugging.

"No, you've picked your side. I've picked mine." Azula explains.

"We're a family Azula, there's no sides about it." Zuko, oh so naïve.

"That's what _you think._" Azula, younger, but so much more bitter and cynical.

"I think you should come. It'll be fun. Piandao and Fat are really nice. And they are doing roast salmon . You like roast salmon. And there are some fresh springs near their house...we could go swimming?... I could teach you how to use the daos properly too." Zuko offers, trying to convince her.

Azula, as she watches, is suddenly struck by a realisation. He's not just saying these things. There is no ulterior motive. He actually_ wants_ to spend Christmas with her.

Younger Azula, is unaware of this, as she rolls her eyes and says sarcastically "Swords are for losers who can't firebend properly." Hurt flickers across Zuko's face.

He lashes out, angrily dismissing his invitation. "Whatever then! I didn't even want you to come in the first place!" He stomps over to the door, and picks up his bag, before he tosses a acerbic "Merry Christmas" over his shoulder. And leaves.

Azula has watched her younger self announce for years that she just wants Zuko to leave her alone on Christmas. Now he has. You'd think that would make young Azula happy. But it doesn't.

Young Azula stands in the middle of the empty library, looking desolate and incredulous. She didn't think that he was actually going to leave. She seems so young and forlorn, in her barefeet, as she watches the retreating back of her brother.

Azula remembers how much she wanted to run after him, to say she was sorry, She hadn't meant it. She remembers how she longed to go to a Christmas with roast salmon and swimming and sword fights. But she is rooted to the spot.

She's already picked her side.

And an opportunity for a different sort of life is gone for ever.

* * *

Azula watches, angry and frustrated. She cannot speak to these shades (though she tried in that first christmas with Lu Ten). All she can do is _observe _the passing parade of misery. She does not see the point of this. She rounds on the Avatar spirit, angry. "Why are you showing me these things spirit! Why do you delight in tormenting me!"

The Avatar's eyes widen, at the suddenness of her attack. He is defensive as he replies childishly "These are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are – you can not blame me!"

He is right, perhaps. Azula made her own choices after all. But she just likes having someone to blame.

* * *

The next Christmas they witness is a few years later. Azula is all alone again. Ty Lee is gone. Mai is gone. Zuko has been gone so long, Azula tells herself that she can't even remember him. Mother and Lu Ten are just shadows that occasionally cross in her mind. She doesn't need distractions today anyway. This Christmas holiday is an ideal chance to catch up on researching the Airnomads. The Avatar is definitely back, but Zuko and Zhao have both cocked up neutralising him.

She reads in the library alone for the entire day.

* * *

Fourteen year old Azula and her father have dinner. A presumptuous servant hurries in to deliver an urgent messenger hawk. Azula, standing off to the shadows with the Avatar, knows what is coming. She feels her chest clench. She feels the maddest urge to go over and comfort that little girl sitting across from her father. Father reads it impassively, there is not the faintest flicker of emotion. He passes the missive to his daughter as casually as if it was a shopping list. His command is simple. "read."

It is from a lowly officer, whose name she does not recognise. A Lieutenant Jee.

_Your most revered and exalted Majesty, Firelord Ozai, _

_Salutations. _

_It is with a heavy heart and the most bitter of regrets that I must inform you of some grievous news; your son, Prince Zuko, has passed away. It appears that he was slain by cowardly pirates. We, his former crew, have full reason to believe that he died instantly and without suffering. We have not yet been able to recover the body. We humbly request permission to perform the ceremony for those lost at sea..._

The taste of iron and sour lemons seeps into her mouth.

There is more, but the Azula of the past cannot bring herself to read it. The preposterous words dance and blur before her eyes. For a moment she simply cannot believe what she is reading. She refuses to accept this.

Her brother referred to as "the body" and not Zuko. It is impossible.

"Well?" her father's voice. Impassive, yet curious. A dark edge to it. He is probing for a reaction. Azula knows the one he wants. She schools her face and schools her voice. She gives nothing away. She hands the letter back and says "What a shame" in her father's same even tone.

"Yes, quite. Waste of an heir really." That is all her father can say about the sudden and unexpected death of her brother. The death of his son. Both Azulas fight the urge to snap "and you'd be a waste of one of my perfect lightning bolts."

The strength of this feeling surprises Young Azula, who at that point still worships her father with an awe that perpetually borders on fear. Young Azula considers the thought the height of treason.

Old Azula considers that there might be some poetry in an ending like that for her father. Destroyed by the very weapon he forged.

* * *

It does not surprise her really, that this is how her father reacts to the death of his son. He is mildly inconvenienced by it, as if the loss of Zuko means no more to him than being told that his dinner is still five minutes away.

Azula always knew what she was signing up for with their father. She knew he saw them all as Pai Sho pieces, to be moved against one another. The loss of a single tile meant little in the grand scheme of the game.

Azula tries and mostly succeeds at seeing the world the same way. Sentiment is not an advantage, after all. She knows those words are true now. There is no possible advantage in feeling the way she does now.

* * *

The feeling does not abate. The Avatar and Azula are watching when, sometime after dinner, Young Azula fights it no longer. She goes into his room, eyes all the possessions he left, takes a deep breath and begins.

She wishes for some destruction.

She wishes to punch the ugly eye of Agni. The great unfeeling spirit!

She wishes to break, rip and destroy every remnant of her brother that is left in this place.

She smashes the mirror first. The glass shards explode outwards from the force of her fireblast. She tears all the clothes from the closet. She throws all the books from the shelves, ripping them across their spines with her bare hands. It is physically demanding and she likes the challenge of it. She smashes all the figurines. Stomps on the little toy soldiers. She slashes all the curtains, the pillows and the bed clothes with the broken shards from the mirror. Bits of paper and feathers are flying everywhere now. She climbs on the bed and beats the headboard with her shoe. The sounds she is making are not quite screams. They are not yells. It is an inhuman, horrid howling that is wrenched from her stomach.

The servants look on in horror and fear at this display from the door. They are afraid of her. This sort of display will become known as "the princess's strange fits of passion." Tales of these tantrums will be used to frighten the young apprentices.

The servants look perfect, in their pressed neat uniforms. They belong in an orderly world in which things make sense. But then there is the _wretched gir_l on the bed who looks like she wandered in from a different play. A play about the horrible monsters that live under rocks.

Azula sees herself get up. She gathers everything in her arms. All her brother's things destroyed. But he has no use of them now. They are thirteen year old boy things. He's too old for them. He would have only just had his sixteen birthday.

Sweet Agni, he was only sixteen.

It seems like she cradles the broken bundle for a second. She holds it tight to her chest. The briefest moment of tenderness. Then she strides out to the garden and makes a pile of everything. He doesn't need these things any more. He's never coming back for them.

They couldn't find the body after all.

Azula sees her fourteen year-old-self put everything in a pile and burn it. She feeds the fire with her bending. It burns until there is nothing left but ashes.

Though she knows it is a fruitless gesture, Azula places her hand on the shoulder of her fourteen year old self. She knows that all that destruction will not make this little girl feel any better. She could burn the entire palace down, and it would not make a jot of difference.

* * *

The Avatar spirit turns to her, confused. He wants to know why no one is comforting her. Even though the letter later proves to be wrong, at this moment she believes her brother has been lost at sea. Shouldn't someone...

"I had no one then." Azula snaps. There is anger and warning in her tone. She does not want to pursue this subject.

"What about your Dad – shouldn't he say something to comfort you? I thought that was what Dads did?"

"_Are you high?_ Like seriously, what have you been smoking because I want some!" Azula, is angry and sarcastic, before she adds softly "You seen all this with me Avatar. You saw what he's like. No, you've have better luck getting blood from a stone than getting one sincerely kind word from Dad."

"what about your friends?" the Avatar gently probing.

"I was alone that year." Azula's voice is flat.

"I'm sorry." So much sympathy in those grey eyes.

"Don't be. I'm not. I prefer it actually. Alone protects me."

Alone is best, Azula knows this.

If she had never had a Zuko, and had been alone for her childhood, she would have never felt like _this. _She would have never had anyone to play with and fight with and hide with – but at least she would have been spared_ this. _

"Alone doesn't protect people." the Avatar says sagely, in temple wisdom mode now.

"Yes it does."

"You don't believe that."

* * *

"This is our last stop." The Avatar says, like he is a tour guide. Azula looks around and sees her hospital room. She sees herself last year, curled into the foetal position. Like Uncle those Christmas ago. Cold iron settles in her belly. She knows what this is. She grabs the Avatar quickly. Though he is a spirit and she can't really hurt him, there is a mad glint in her eyes that frightens him.

"Take me back or forward or anywhere else. I don't want to see this"

"But you need to." The Avatar says, he sounds frightened, but sure.

"No, I don't. I lived through this once. I don't need to do it again."

"Maybe it will be a good learning experience for you. Like the other Christmases." The Avatar says calmly.

"They weren't learning experiences. They were horrible. What on earth was I meant to learn from seeing my dead cousin, and my parents arguing, and my Uncle losing it."

"I'm not sure. What you learn from this is for **you to decide.**"

Azula is about to argue some more – but then Bossy enters her room, her only visitor on Christmas last year, and the show begins again.

* * *

**~ background on the shenaniagns of last christmas~**

Last year, Azula had a small breakthrough with Dr Jung. It is the first time the subject of Azula being 'well enough' to get day leave was raised. A trial day. Zuko suggests "How about Christmas. We haven't had a proper Christmas together in ages. Cook will make all your favourites. It will just be a small thing. Just you, me, Uncle and Toph and Katara."

"Where are all your other weird friends?"

"Sokka and Suki are doing Christmas with Sir Hakoda down south. Aang and Ty Lee are going to be off with some mumbo-jumbo spouting Guru. They leave in a couple of days."

Azula nods, but says nothing.

"It will be just a small thing. No one you don't know. People you like." Zuko continues.

He is right. Despite her very best attempts to hate all of them bitterly she cannot. She may even half like Bossy and the Blind Brat on occasion.

She and the Blind Brat understand each other. There is a certain respect there.

Bossy is just so insistently likeable. Something about her screams 'please love me – I don't have a mummy.' (Bossy and Zuko have that in common). Besides, she could never hate anyone **so amusing.** Annoying Bossy and making her get all cross is sometimes the most entertaining thing in Azula's day. It has kept Azula from going madder than she already was in this place.

"There'll be roast turkey-goose this year, and Christmas crackers" Zuko says. Azula can't help now but think of _you should come. There'll be sword fights and swimming and roast salmon. _

She rolls her eyes and says "fine – but I'm only coming for the goose."

* * *

She actually believes him. She believes that things are getting better. That she will have A Good Day (in both senses) on Christmas. There will be goose, and crackers certainly – but maybe there will be laughter and fun and a sense of warmth and belonging too.

It's not impossible. Anything can happen.

* * *

Anything does happen.

Any awful terrible thing.

There is an assassination attempt. A hospitalisation. The words_ it's touch and go_ are used.

Ty Lee and Aang cancel their trip. That's how bad.

Christmas festivities are also cancelled. No one is feeling festive.

Azula spends it alone – save for a visit from Bossy.

Alone wouldn't have been so bad. Alone protects people. It is when people start thinking about roast goose stuffed with chestnuts and the possibility of laughter that causes all the damage.

* * *

notes:

Lovely wonderful readers - thanks for reading_ part 2: the Ghost of christmas past._ Many of you have pointed out that Christmas does not fit at all with the setting of Avatar and I agree whole-heartedly. However, I had **scrooge** and **ghosts** as prompts and the **dickens nerd** in me just had to run with that idea. (I hardly ever let my inner dickens nerd out, poor thing).

I consider this an offshoot to the stalking universe. It's sort of set in that world, but I don't know how canon I consider it, because I never planned on having christmas as a holiday - but then I got too tempted by delicious prompts. I've written it in the stalking universe mostly because I like what I've written better than the canon endings for everyone, plus my universe just makes more logical sense to me.

Some of your other questions will be revealed in the coming chapters.

Alone protects me is a direct reference to BBC Sherlock, as those you you who read my rambly notes will know; I see Sherlock and Azula as very simmilar characters.

Onwards to the next chapter: Last Christmas.


	3. Last Christmas

O0o000o0o00o

Last christmas

0o00000o0o000

So Zuko annoyed people. He was annoying. It was a fact of life.

He had annoyed some people so much that they now wanted him dead.

Properly Dead too.

Not in the mother-maybe-plausibly-probably Dead way.

Not the 'ohmiagni-I-drank-so-many-whiskey-sours-last-night-and-now-I-feel-dead-and I-am-never-drinking-with-June-again-Just-Kill-me-Now Dead way.

Actual, well and truly and completely dead Dead way.

He'd made powerful enemies.

This is not to say that he was doing a shit job at being firelord. But you can't steer a country like the firenation on the road of peace without seriously pissing some people off.

All things considered, he was actually pretty good at being firelord. He had ended the 100 years war. He was beloved by the unwashed masses. He had brought a sense of stability, safety and accountability back to the firenation mainland. The Colonies were still a fucking mess, but everyone was Doing Their Best.

But there will always be some assholes who are unhappy with the state of things. He had made a lot of changes to things that powerful people didn't want changed.

There were assassination attempts.

Of course there were.

How many Azula could only guess. Zuko didn't tell her these sorts of things, because he didn't want to _worry_ her. Azula doesn't know if it is the fifth or the fiftieth attempt which does all the damage, ruins Christmas for everyone, and, bizzarely, also launches a renewed faith in 'christmas miracles' across the firenation.

* * *

The details of Zuko's accident, as Azula got them from Ty Lee, were sketchy. Azula can still picture it in her minds eye. A boat. A dart. A painful poison. A moment when Zuko is standing near the railing, seemingly alone. A gasp. A fall. A splash. Bossy immediately jumping into the water after him.

She must have been close by. Azula can't help but wonder was she standing right next to him when it happened, unobserved by Ty Lee.

Bossy pulls him out of the water. Clever, competent Bossy does her healer thing. But it doesn't work. Bossy has bent all the poison out, there is no fluid in his lungs, she is sure, but he did not wake. Then they notice there is blood seeping out from under Zuko's head. It matts his hair. A blow to the head. He struck the edge of the lifeboats with some violence as he fell. It knocked him unconscious. But is it the blow to the head or the remnants of the poison that keeps him in this state? At this stage nobody knows. Tests will need to be done. There is a rush to the hospital.

Dr Yang, the former royal physician, current minister for health, is away in the spice islands setting up the new medical program in the region. She is sent for. Bossy was meant to go with her, but opted out. Azula suspects it was so Bossy could spend Zuko's birthday with him – but she has no proof of this.

The chief physician at Royal Caldera Hospital takes over temporarily. Ex-army doctor. Good head in a crisis. Kind of cute for an old guy according to Ty Lee. He tries to remove Bossy from the case, and Zuko from her care.

You are not allowed to be the attending physician on "your friend".

You are to close to them.

You don't think clearly.

You make mistakes.

* * *

There is a scene. Bossy refuses to leave Zuko. The chief physician gets impatient with her. Bossy is only a trainee physician still, for all her waterbending healing, she has only been doing this for two years. He has been tending head wounds for thirty years! She needs to back off and let him do his job.

Zuko's condition stabilises, though he is still unconscious. Now there is worry about brain damage and brain function and previous injuries. A history of blows to the head is brought up and examined.

Zuko can have a visitor. Just the one. The chief physician will only allow blood related family only; meaning _only General Iroh - everybody else fuck off. _

According to Ty Lee, the words **family only** have a profound effect on Bossy. She is distraught. So much grief over two words.

* * *

Ty Lee, Guru plans on hold, is staying "Just in Case". She has come to inform Azula of what's going on, because she believes that Azula Should Know.

Ty Lee also brings up the fact that Azula can leave the hospital if she wishes. She is Zuko's family. Does Azula want to visit her brother? Ty Lee thinks it would be good for her to see him, maybe say some things...just in case.

Her words, spoken seriously, worried Azula beyond belief.

Flaming Balls! Is the situation really that dire?

* * *

Azula stayed in her room on Christmas. Her only visitor was Bossy. It was a Tuesday last year. Their healing sessions are always on a Tuesday. Bossy is clinging to any semblance of routine that she can lay her hands on, since she got suspended from duty at the hospital by the chief.

She has had a large fight with the chief and now she is not allowed in at all.

This is causing angst.

Uncle has argued for her, he has really tried. but the hospital is not under his jurisdiction, and as he has no medical expertise, and as the chief is up to his eyebrows in injured people and doesn't really have time to argue with Uncle, the Bossy-Ban remains in place. She is being an obstruction.

The chief points out that there has been an assassination attempt. Surely Uncle understands the need for increased security and mandatory personnel only. The chief says there is no need at all for Bossy's primitive medicinal tricks. Waterbending healing has been proved to have** mixed results **on head injuries. The firelord is too valuable to be exposed to experimental procedures. Surely Uncle understands.

* * *

Bossy arrives on Christmas morning. She looks a fright. She is a mess.

Azula has never seen her look so bad. She looks like she has not slept in years.

Azula can't help but enquire after Bossy's health. She is not in the habit of doing this, so this indicative of how dreadful Bossy looks. Bossy says the dreaded phrase. "Everything is fine. Everything is alright". Azula wants desperately to believe her but she cannot.

She has to push and prod until she gets a reaction. She doesn't mean to be this way. She would give anything to be able to pretend that everything is fine. She doesn't actually mean to upset Bossy as much as she does. It's just an offhand comment – just to see how Bossy reacts. The scale of her reaction will help Azula discern the real severity of the problem.

Azula says something about Zuko, and the likelihood of an early death.

The Avatar of Christmas Past inhales sharply next to her, as the Azula of last year says something incredibly cruel and hurtful. Just because she could. Because she was angry and hurt and she didn't understand what was going on and Bossy was the only one there to take it out on.

Bossy was meant to reassure her but she shows up looking_ like that!_

In some ways Bossy is like the seasoned sailors on the boat, the first time Azula went to the Earth Kingdom. There was a big storm, three days out. "Just look at the seasoned sailors Princess, if they are calm, then all is well." Li and Lo told her. Bossy has, somehow and ridiculously, become her seasoned sailor for life. When Bossy losses her shit – it is only because shit is getting real.

Azula and the Avatar watch in silence as Bossy losses her shit.

The water falls from Bossy's hands and splashes Azula all over. Then Bossy does two things that alarmed Azula beyond all words at the time. She slaps Azula, once, **hard,** across the face. Then she bursts into floods of tears.

Azula doesn't mind the slap, per se (it still fucking hurts). She's gotten slapped before. It is what the slap symbolises that worries her. But the crying is worse. The crying is the most dreadful thing Azula has ever seen.

Azula, as she watches, finally realises something. Bossy wasn't acting that way to frighten Azula. That slap and those tears...they weren't about her at all. Azula considers that Bossy is only so distraught because she loved Zuko... even then.

Cripes, how long had they been shagging each other and lying to Azula to her face?

Just fucking friends? Really?

Azula called bullshit on that!

Azula watches as Bossy cries, and her younger self stands dead still, gobsmacked and useless. Azula thinks _This is exactly why love is complete and utter rubbish! _

Azula always knew it ended this way. It always ended in tears. What was the fucking point of it – if this was always the result! All love did was make you weak!

Look at Bossy! Case in fucking point, right there!

She was normally **so together, **and here she was - just another broken person, crying on the floor. What good did loving Zuko do for Bossy in her current situation? It certainly wasn't making her feel good at this moment in time.

Love just made everything so much worse. There is no way that Bossy can escape this fate.

Even if - in the best case scenario, Zuko pulled through, and they stayed together, and everyone in the firenation took happy drugs and was magically okay with the firelord fucking a waterbending peasant, and they got married, had a bunch of kids, bought a bunch of crap together and retired to Ember Island when they were old and wrinkly and generally had what Mother would call a 'happy ending' - even if** all that happened,** Bossy was going to end up in this exact same position again sooner or later.

She was going to lose him sooner or later. Probably sooner.

Zuko had **young, tragic death** written all over him, ever since he became firelord. Azula did not _like_ that fact – but she accepted and acknowledged it as true. It was part of the reason why she hadn't trusted him properly since this terrible Christmas.

Everybody knows that everybody dies – but Azula just didn't want anyone dying near her. Zuko wasn't going to die near her again. She'd been trying to put all this_ distance_ between her and Zuko since last Christmas. Barriers, walls, barren spaces, conversational dead-zones, insults and ill-feeling. She likes to tell herself that when he does go- she will hardly feel a thing.

She didn't want them to be close. She didn't want them to be linked by Mother's chains.

It's a self preservation thing.

Azula knew that Zuko was going to leave her, in a permanent way, one day. He'd leave her high and dry, suddenly and without warning. One day, Ty Lee will be standing there, trying to "break the news to her gently". Azula is somehow sure that day is coming. They will send Ty Lee for_ that _conversation when it does.

* * *

Azula looked at Bossy and felt repelled. She felt that same revulsion she felt when mother thrust all the chains into her hands. Mother said those chains didn't hurt – but looking at Bossy right now was testament to the fact that** they really fucking did.** Azula hated it when people got like this. She found it disgusting in Uncle after Lu Ten died and she found it equally repulsive in Bossy.

The way Azula saw it, when you loved someone, you became like a house without a roof. Vulnerable to all sorts of things. All your soft bits and fine furnishings were laid bare to the sky. All sorts of elements could get in; the wind, the rain, the storms. So much damage could be done.

Bossy is a perfect example of **emotional roofless-ness.**

If that sort of roofless vulnerability could happen to someone as steady and sure as Bossy – seasoned sailor of life – then no one was safe.

* * *

Azula from last year, shakes herself out of her shock and looks endlessly lost and confused. She pokes Bossy with her foot and says "stop crying Peasant. He's pulled through worse". Bossy makes weepy mutterings of how "'s not fair" and how "he's survived so much, only to be whacked in the head by a bloody lifeboat."

Yes, Azula remembers how the the irony only just occurred to her in that moment. Death by lifeboat! What an incongruous way to go – for someone who has survived the Arctic waters, explosions, lightning and having half their face burned off.

Azula distinctly remembers thinking _If this actually how Zuko goes – I dearly want to die soon after, just so I can find him in the spirit world and make sure he__** never lives it down. **__I'll track him down in the afterlife and spend a good long while crowing "it was a fucking lifeboat that took you down – you pussy!" _

The Avatar comments on the scene unfolding before them "She is** so sad – **you should do something".

"I am about to – but you will not like it" Azula remarks.

She remembers what she did. What she didn't do. She didn't hug Bossy, or be kind to Bossy. She didn't cry with Bossy and say "I don't know what I'll do without him either." Azula didn't say anything that would indicate that she had any proper feelings at all.

Bossy has started crying about how she just wants to see him, and she's banned from the hospital now, and what is she going to do? She was actually saying "what am I going to do?"

Azula remembers the rage she felt when Bossy said that. That was her question? What the fuck was wrong with Bossy? Azula's default emotional reaction to the confusion that this arouses in her is anger.

She gives Bossy a kick,** hard, **right in the meaty part of the arse, while she shrieks "Stoppit! Stop crying right now! I can't take it!" The abrupt change in Azula and the kick up the arse both surprise Bossy greatly. Her wide blue eyes stare up at Azula is shock.

Azula shouts incredulously at her. "How dare you sit there crying _oh what am I going to do?_ What the fuck is wrong with you!? You are Bossy Bossy Peasant! You have got to pull yourself the fuck together!"

Bossy is taken aback. Azula is not done. She pokes Bossy firmly in her shoulder and says "You are the bossiest wench in the entire universe. You are the best waterbender of your generation and I know that is a fucking fact because you defeated me!" Azula pauses for breath, before continuing.

"You don't take shit from anyone. You certainly don't take shit from grumpy old men. You absolutely **do not sit on your arse** wailing _what am I going to do?!_ No... you **always get off your arse** and** do something**!"

Bossy looks at her, blinks twice and gets to her feet. She wipes her face quickly. She comes to stand in front of Azula and says "you're right Azula. Thank you." Bossy loves being right and so this is a huge concession on her part. Azula watches as Bossy uncorks her water and lays her hand against Azula's cheek.

She remembers how it felt. The soft tingly sensation of healing. " I'm sorry I slapped you. But you really shouldn't say things like that. Really now." Azula's default is anger. Bossy's default is motherly scolding.

The seasoned sailor is back. The crying pathetic wench is gone. For a small moment that day, Azula feels like order will return to the universe.

* * *

It did.

Zuko made a 'miraculous recovery' that was a 'real christmas miracle'.

This brings his total of miraculous recoveries up to three.

There is talk about how he must be spirits blessed, always destined to live and be the firelord, to survive so many near fatal injuries.

It is either that or he is the luckiest bastard in the world.

It's funny because Dad used to say that Azula was born lucky. She was the lucky one.

Zuko was lucky to be born. He never had any luck at all.

That's funny.

* * *

The Avatar and Azula watch as Bossy leaves. Azula knows that she will spend the rest of christmas huddled in the foetal position on the bed. No one else will come except servants, to bring food that will go uneaten.

Even Azula's beloved nurse-guard Ming went away for christmas. To the stinking Southern Watertribe so she could meet her stupid tribal boyfriend's stupid family.

Why did everyone want to fuck water peasants? Was the smell of wet leather _really_ that arousing?

_Are you sure you'll be alright without me Princess? - I'll have stupid Zuko to fuss over me. I'll be fine. Go, so I don't have to put up with you moony sighing. _

Azula knows that no one else is coming for her. This Christmas is over for her. But yet she and the Avatar are still in the room. "Why are we still here."

The Avatar turns to Azula and asks "Would you like to follow Katara?"

"No – I would like to go home."

"I think we should follow her. There are still some things you don't understand."

"I don't understand why you keep persisting with this like an imbecile for starters."

"Last trip – I promise. It might be fun."

"You said that at the start. Quite frankly this has not been at all fun for me spirit. I would like** my money back** and to **speak to your manager."**

Instead of getting a refund and a good shout, the world blurs again.

* * *

They are outside the hospital. It is around dinner time. The change of shift. The full moon. Azula is unsure what they are meant to be watching. But then she sees Bossy, all clad in black like a ninja, running subtly and swiftly towards the hospital.

The changing of the guards. She has timed everything correctly. She uses the water in the fountain to hoist herself up to the second floor. She disappears into a vent. The water lands back in the fountain softly, with only the mildest splash. The whole thing takes less than three seconds. The guards notice nothing.

Azula has to hand it to Bossy. She is a badass when she wants to be!

Bossy climbs and crawls through the vents the whole way there. This is no easy feat. Azula and the Avatar of Christmas Past watch her struggle. The Avatar of Christmas Past remarks " you know they really are quite a pair. This girl and your brother. They're both so determined." Azula thwacks him in response.

Bossy arrives at Zuko's room in the hospital. She is careful with the grate, as she climbs out. The guards are outside the door, but she is so silent, she hasn't alerted them. The windows are locked. No one suspects that Bossy is in here. She pulls the ninja gear off in one smooth movement to reveal her hospital uniform. This could potentially buy her a few minutes if she is interrupted. She looks like she is meant to be here now.

She reads the chart at the end of the bed. It says a lot of stuff about brain function that Azula does not understand. She understands Bossy's face, which is wretched and full of concern. Bossy's face becomes determined, as she strides over to Zuko. The face tells Azula that it's bad. It's really bad. But Bossy wont give up just yet.

Bossy sits next to Zuko, smiling sadly at him. She reaches over and cups his chin and kisses his forehead and faintly whispers "The things I do for you" a little ruefully in his ear. She moves his hair back gently from his face. A gesture of affection. It has been roughly shorn around where he hit his head, to make the stitches easier. His hair sticks up raggedly around it. Bossy runs her finger through the uneven ink-black mess and says tenderly " You'll really need a hair cut again when you wake up."

when, not if.

Bossy looks at him with such love. Like he looked at her that day in the hall.

It makes something inside Azula ache.

No one will ever look at her like that.

Bossy looks at Zuko like the sun rises and sets on him, like there is nothing in the world that could make her not love him. Even though he looks like utter shit right now (his face and lips are devoid of colour), Bossy looks at him like he is beautiful and precious to her.

Bossy takes out her bending water. Her hands glow, she places them on either side of his head. She does this for a long time. At first there is no visible sign of improvement. Bossy starts to speak, softly. She urges him in a quiet whisper to fight harder, to come back to her. She tells him that he does not to get to _do this_ to her again!

Something is happening. It takes a long time, but Bossy is patient. Azula can see the slow improvement in his colouring. His finger jerks. His eye-lids flutter. He lets out a slight groan. Bossy is excited. She recorks her water. As she takes her hands away, Azula sees that the big cut where the stitches were has all but vanished. It disappeared along with all the bruising.

Zuko groans again. She smooths his hair back with her hands again. She's practically cradling his head. There's a quiet whisper "Zuko, it's me. It's me Honeybun." It's a good thing neither of them can hear Azula, because she has to suppress a **gigglesnort **at that. Honeybun? That's their term of endearment? What does Zuko call her? Gingersnap? Fingerbiscuit?

"It's me. I'm here. I'm here now, okay...every thing's going to be fine." Bossy continues, delighted.

Uh oh, Azula thinks, She's cursed them now, and she doesn't even know it.

* * *

_Everything is going to be fine?_

Who _says that _in these kinds of situations?

* * *

It sounds like Zuko is trying to say something. But the only sound that is coming out is slurred groaning. Bossy is all attentive. She leans right over, so that their faces are nearly touching. " Zuko, I can't understand you...can you try again for me okay?" There is more nonsensical groaning.

From her vantage point in this spirit journey, Azula can see a thousand horrifying possibilities go through Bossy's mind in a flash. She glances in panic towards the chart she read earlier. **Possible brain damage. **

She might be able to wake him up with her healing – but he'd never come back to her.

For a minute Bossy looks so lost.

Bossy pleads, perhaps with the spirits, in a tremulous hesitant tone " oh_ please...oh _spirits no... please don't... you're not..." Bossy can't bring herself to end any of those sentences.

Azula's stomach is all tied up in knots, even though she knows how this ends already. This was just last year. She knows intellectually, that this will turn out fine. Zuko did come and visited her a few days after Christmas last year.

She tries to remember that day. She'd said "You look like shit." He'd said "I look better than you." Azula hadn't been sleeping well, so this could have possibly been true, but still she sassed back "not possible. I'm** the sexy one** in the family. Just ask Jet" He'd smiled wanly at her and said "very funny" sarcastically.

Azula knows that he is going to be okay, because she has already lived through it. That visit happened. But this moment is so tense that she forgets all that. She doesn't know how Bossy can bear it. How can she stand it? This terrible, dreadful uncertainty.

Bossy touches her forehead to Zuko's. Their noses meet. She puts her hands on either side of his face. She urges "Zuko your brain works! It is going to be fine. You are going to be just fine." She almost hisses this, she is speaking so fervently. It is like she thinks that if she says it with enough certainty, it will magically become true.

"All you need to do is just say something for me. Anything. Just one full word for me. Please just try for me. Please." she's beseeching him now. Her eyes are full of unshed tears.

His brow wrinkles slightly. Concentration. Consternation. He makes a word. Just one word. Like she asked. He says it clear as a bell.

"Ouch!"

His eyes flicker open and meet hers.

Tears of sheer relief from Bossy. She leans back slightly to get a better look at him, like she is absolutely captivated by his face. "Ouch?" she repeats after him incredulously. He's okay. He's fine. Well his first word upon waking is _ouch,_ so he's probably sore, but other than that he's fine.

" Katara." he rasps out in greeting softly, with the faintest smile. Then there is slight worry. "Oh, don't cry. What have I done wrong now?"

Bossy cries in earnest then. Happy tears. Her arms go around his neck. His arms go around her waist. She kisses him gently all over his face.

There is **a moment** between them.

One of those disgusting soppy moments, with tears and.._.urgh._..feelings.

* * *

As if she has been summoned just to ruin The Moment, a recently arrived Dr Yang enters. She flings the door open, takes in the sight of Bossy straddling Zuko, and then slams the door shut at lightning speed behind her. She calls through the door that she would really like to examine firelord Zuko alone, without the chattering of imbeciles in her ear. She is a medical genius and she can hardly hear herself think with the rest of them rattling on.

* * *

A quick conversation. Dr Yang, perpetually irritated mentor to Bossy, insists that Bossy discreetly leave the way whence she came and meet her down in the lobby in 15 minutes.

Dr Yang has just spent the better part of the last half an hour vouching for Bossy's good sense, capability and responsibility and has been reaming the other doctor out over his treatment of her. And this is how Bossy repays her?

Zuko is confused. Bossy says she will explain later, and ducks back into the grate. Zuko turns his confusion towards Dr Yang, as she examines him.

"Don't go looking at me. I only just got back from the spice islands. I think you've missed some drama while you've been out." the good doctor replies.

"I always miss the drama." Zuko says ruefully.

"You** are **the drama. Okay, follow my finger as long as you can."

There is a bit more fussing, then Dr Yang stands back, pleased. Zuko is given the all clear. If he had been suffering from any bleeding on the brain, he certainly shows no sign of it now. He is to take it easy for a few weeks, drink a vile concoction twice a day for the next six days (Zuko grimaces) and he'll be right as rain in no time.

* * *

The Avatar of Christmas Past and Azula are with Bossy again, while she gets **the scolding of her life** from Dr Yang.

Azula greatly enjoys seeing Bossy get scolded for a change.

Dr Yang asks "What, what, what were you doing?!" with varying degrees of outrage, annoyance and consternation. Bossy blathers about how she spent all day studying the brain. There is something about the full moon and bloodbending and how Bossy couldn't just do nothing.

Dr Yang pinches the bridge of her nose. She exhales slowly then says "So you broke into a high security ward, from which you had been explicitly banned. You then preformed a highly experimental procedure, which you have never tried before and which involved using your powers on the fluid inside the firelord's brain. And you did this knowing full well how fragile and delicate brain tissue is and there was a definite possibility that you could cause irreparable damage."

Everything sounds terrible when Dr Yang lays it out like that. The smile and the joy leaves Bossy's face. She is not only properly chastised, she is very worried. She whispers "But it worked."

"Are you sure?" Dr Yang's voice is flat and gives nothing away.

Bossy is terrified anew. "He was fine. He spoke to me. I read that speech was one of the best indicators of brain function and..."

Dr Yang cuts _the ensuing emotional meltdown_ off at the pass and interrupts Bossy here. "Cool your jets. Your boyfriend is fine."

Bossy is relieved. But then worried again, because of the B-word.

The denial comes.

That denial must have become an ingrained reflex for her now. How would it feel to never be able to acknowledge your boyfriend or your relationship? Azula thinks that would become tiresome. Yet another reason why they should cease and desist their stupid relationship altogether.

"He's not my..." Bossy begins.

But Dr Yang is not having it. Not tonight.

"Save it baby-blue, I haven't taken my** stupid and blind pills **today, so I won't be buying any of your bullshit now!" She snaps.

Azula is glad that someone is calling bullshit on that whole _she/he is not my girlfriend/boyfriend_ thing that they do.

* * *

Dr Yang continues, with forced calm. " Katara, the point is that you had absolutely no idea that this would work going in and you did it anyway. You took a huge risk here."

"I knew it would work this time." Bossy says quietly.

Dr Yang crosses her arms. Unimpressed. "How could you know it would work? **How? **We've tried this **before** with **mixed results**. Your bending healing is just **not reliable** with head injuries."

"Because it was Zuko. I don't know – but I just... I can't explain it. I just I **know** with him. It's just, we have this,...It's a connection. It makes healing easier. " Bossy is halting, hesitant. She doesn't have the words to explain how she can heal Zuko, what he means to her or exactly what it is between them.

Dr Yang is sceptical. One eyebrow climbs so high that it looks like it is trying to set a world record for _sceptical eyebrow raise._

" A connection? Look Katara; the world hasn't turned into a giant shiny rainbow full of kittens just because you have a new boyfriend. Healing ability is **not** improved by getting some kinky perverted royal sex." She is sarcastic and acerbic.

"We don't have kinky perverted royal sex, we have..." Bossy is defensive.

"Oh my agni - **I do not want** to hear the details of your sex life!" Dr Yang quickly interrupts, before adding "You two should not even be having a sex life anyway! Do you know what would happen if others found out about this?"

"You can't tell anyone!" Bossy is now beside herself with panic. Her eyes are huge with anxiety.

Dr Yang, for all that she is trying to be harsh and horrible with Bossy, instantly reassures her "I haven't and I wont." Bossy breathes easier. Dr Yang adds calmly "That would be unethical - against doctor/patient privilege." Azula can see that what she is really saying is _cool your britches, relax, I'm no snitch. I'll keep this secret for you._

There is a pause, and then Dr Yang inquires, almost as if she is asking against her better judgement, but curiosity has gotten the better of her "Is it serious between you two?" Bossy is a bit startled by the question. This is the first time she has been able to give an honest answer to this question. There is a small pause.

"It is serious. I really love him." Bossy confesses at last.

"It's always love at your age." Dr Yang says gently, almost maternally, and she gives Bossy a wistful sort of smile that vanishes in an instant. The stern face is back. "But do yourself a favour. Be. More. Careful in future." The admonishment _you are so lucky it was me who walked in and not someone else_ remains unspoken. But it hovers.

"I will." Bossy nods.

Dr Yang resumes her original scolding re: Bossy's foolishness. Physicians have to do things The Right Way. Breaking and entering is Just Plain Unprofessional. In future, Bossy must think with **this **(Dr Yang points to her head) – and **not this **(now she points to her heart) - and **especially not this **( she points to Bossy's lady bits and Bossy blushes).

What Bossy did tonight was absolutely remarkable. It could even be a medical breakthrough. But Bossy has once again mixed medical genius with unfathomable stupidity. What on earth is Dr Yang to tell everyone about the Firelord's miraculous recovery? "Bugger it, it's Christmas. I'll just tell everyone it is an inexplicable spirits-damned Christmas miracle." Dr Yang concludes.

Bossy is confused. Wouldn't a medical breakthrough help her reputation as a physician? (thus increasing both her respectability and the respectability of waterbending healing in general. In the Firenation, waterbending healing is considered brilliant, but unreliable at best and a hokey primitive superstition at worst).

" Yes, but what would it do for your reputation as the girl who climbs into the firelord's room to get all handsy with him?" Dr Yang says bluntly.

"Fine, Christmas miracle it is." Bossy acquiesces.

"Now Zuko has still suffered head trauma and so just to be on the safe side, I have recommended that he be kept here under observation for tonight. He will need someone to spend the night with him, observe him closely and wake him every two hours. I volunteered you for the job." Dr Yang's tone is all brisk and businesslike – but her words are music to Bossy's ears. Bossy can scarcely believe her good fortune as she as asks "really?" with much excitement.

"Well you were the logical choice. You are the only one who finds the sight of him sleeping fascinating." Dr Yang says dismissively.

Bossy beams at her.

"Oh, don't look at me like that."

Bossy cannot contain herself. She flings her arms around Dr Yang, gushing "Thank you, thank you thank you" all the while. Dr Yang is stiff in the embrace.

"Katara, you know my rules about hugging." she states. Still, one arm comes up to give Bossy a little pat on the back, despite said rules. Then the other arm. This would definitely count as hugging.

"Now get out of here. Go spend Christmas snuggling with your boyfriend." Dr Yang says as she disentangles herself from Bossy's pentapuslike embrace.

Bossy does not need to be told twice.

* * *

Azula watches them together with her little pervy spirit guide. He's in-charge of this ride after all.

She doesn't know much about love. She observes it with the detachment of a scientist with a puzzling phenomenon. So many variables.

She doesn't understand love – but she knows she is witnessing it now.

Zuko and Bossy seem delighted with each other. In this moment, they seem perfectly content with the entire universe and endlessly happy that they get to be together, in simple and meaningful way.

Bossy climbs in the bed with him and lies down next to him. She settles in the crook of his arm like she belongs there. She rests her head on his chest and flings a leg over his. He kisses her forehead and wraps one arm around her shoulders. They hold hands and intertwine fingers.

Her small brown hand. His big pale one. All tangled up together.

* * *

There is conversation. Zuko is informed of the drama. "Can't believe I knocked my head on the lifeboat. That is so fucking embarrassing. At least Sokka is down South and doesn't know. He'd never let me live it down if he were here."

"Well, err I might have written to him. He might be on his way here with Suki and my Dad." Bossy confesses. Zuko makes a face at her. "What? They were very worried. Don't get grumbly. We'll all get to be together again in a few days. That'll be nice."

"Nice for you. You're not the one who is going to get called a pussy repeatedly by your Dad and Sokka." Zuko grumbles.

"Well surely that will be an improvement on what my Dad normally calls you." She teases.

Conversation moves onto the Family Only edict. Zuko can't get his head around _why_ she climbed through the vents. Though he seems oddly pleased that she has been vent-climbing. When she tells him this was her mode of entry, he says "that's how we roll."

That's how they roll? Do they climb through vents like ninjas together on a regular occurrence? Is that what a _typical date_ looks like?

Zuko still can't get his head around the fact that she wasn't allowed to see him and had to break in. Bossy is still a bit distressed about this part of the story, as she tells him about Hospital Rules about Treating Friends and Family Only Visitation Rules and how she doesn't qualify. Catch 22. She was too close to him to see him in a medical capacity and too far removed to be allowed to visit him normally.

She hates what the words_ Family Only_ mean for them.

"But you are my family." He says instantly, indignantly. Then he pauses, his eyes wide. He has his I-just-said-too-much face on. Bossy leans up, and kisses him softly in response. They break apart after a long moment and Bossy simply says "you are my family too".

There is another one of those blasted, pesky Moments.

* * *

Bossy says the words first. Zuko responds in kind. But they seem almost superfluous now. They are so self-evident, they don't need saying. Azula observes, from the lack of ceremony surrounding these utterances, that this is not the first time they have said these words to each other.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

* * *

If Azula was a better person, she would feel happy for Zuko. She would be glad that her brother, who has suffered so much, has found someone who he truly loves and who loves him in return.

She has been told by Ming that such a thing is rarer and more precious than fireopals.

Azula is not a better person.

Instead she sees another way for her brother to leave her. He used to be Azula's Brother first. He was Azula's first.

Somehow, slowly but inexorably and irrevocably, he had become Bossy's.

He was hers and she was his. They belonged to each other.

They'd build a life together. They would stick together through anything. They'd get married and have kids. They'd get caught up in other things.

Eventually there would be no room in their lives for Azula.

How long would they keep visiting her at the hospital?

She'd still be there when Bossy was a famous physician – out healing the world.

She'd still be there when Zuko was one of the most beloved firelords in history – presiding with fairness and justice over the nation and helping it make peace with itself.

She was sure that she would still be here, for she had made a little decision during this soul-trip. She was never leaving her hospital again. It was safe there.

Azula already knew exactly how it would go. Visiting her would become a duty, then a chore, then there _just wouldn't be any time, we are so busy with each other, you understand. _

* * *

The Childlike Avatar, the Ghost of Flipping Christmas Past, is alarmed and a bit disappointed by her decision. She has apparently gotten the wrong end of the stick. This little soul trip was meant to remind her that she was loved, and had been loved, by very wonderful people. (Her Mother, Lu Ten). Love can heal, like with Uncle and the komodo chicken and _the song that never ends._

Azula wasn't meant to retreat further into her shell, into her stubborness. It wasn't supposed to go this way.

Azula is incredulous. "How was it supposed to go then, Baby Avatar? Did you think that you could just shove my past in my face and suddenly I'd want to skip in the firelily fields for joy and be all better?"

"No, don't be stupid – you're going to do that with the next Ghost. But this was meant to make you reflect and open you up to the possibility of love."

"The **Possibility of Love?** Are you high? _Again?_ I really need to have a word to your manager."

"But just look at them, they are so happy now." He insists. He points at Zuko and Bossy, who are blissfully unaware that they are being watched. Zuko is fiddling with her hair. She is tracing patterns on his chest. Both are smiling. "Their love makes them happy." The Avatar continues. "They shouldn't be together, but they are, because love makes all things possible. "

"You'll get no argument from me." Azula says. The Avatar smiles, his baby soft twelve year old face is pleased. He thinks she has conceded something large.

"Love does make anything possible. Any. Awful. Thing. Now take me home."

The Avatar does.

* * *

Notes:

So there was this video on youtube after COD that basically said there was a simple explanation for Zuko's decision in that episode: brain damage. Then there was a monatge of clips of all the times he gets whacked on his head/knocked out in the series. It's a long monatge. I gigglesnorted, but then went "oh, wait a minute..." A history of blows to the head does make brain damage much more likely and Zuko gets knocked out fairly frequently.

Azula's outburst to Katara was inspired by Edna Mode's epic outburst in the "the incredibles". I love Edna. She lives in the now. Just like the Ghost of Christmas Present, who we will see next chapter.

Til then lovely readers...


	4. Ghost of Christmas Present

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The Ghost of Christmas present.

Azula is suddenly alone and back in her bed. She tries to fall back to sleep, but she cannot. She is feeling restless and resentful of her mother and all these bloody spirits. Her mother had said she would be visited by two more.

Well not if Azula can help it.

The next spirit to bother her is getting a shoe in the face and punch to the gonads.

* * *

"Ho, Ho, Ho – Merry christmas! Wake up and know me better girl!" The next spirit bellows from the centre of her room.

Azula springs to action.

She has stockpiled her shoes and all other heavy objects in the room under the blankets with her. She throws the covers off and starts pelting the spirit with a various assortment of projectiles, while she cries "**Get the fuck out! Don't you know it is rude to enter a lady's bedchamber uninvited, you bloody pervert!"** at the top of her lungs. The spirit staggers from the surprise assault and falls back hard on his bottom.

"Ooooph – that really hurt my tailbone" The spirit utters from the floor. His voice is instantly familiar. Irritation, incredulity and impatience rise within Azula just hearing that voice.

"Uncle! What the hell are you doing!" She says, as she gets up and wanders over to give the spirit a good poke with her big toe.

"What am I doing? What are you doing? If you greet every man who comes into your bed chamber like this – with a volley of shoes and insults - then it is _no surprise that you're single. _You'll never meet a handsome fellow carrying on like that!" Uncle replies.

What the actual fuck? He wanted to nag her about finding a handsome fellow now!

* * *

Uncle loves to nag Zuko about finding a pretty girl and settling down and making grand nieces and nephews – all so that he can spoil them rotten.

Zuko** hates** it.

He gets so delightfully awkward whenever Uncle mentions the possibility of grandnieces and nephews.

Azula enjoys his discomfort.

On all occasions when Zuko brought Uncle to visit her, Azula made sure to prompt grand neice/nephew nagging from Uncle ….just for shiggles.

* * *

But then Uncle started nagging her about finding a handsome fellow. When she was given the all clear for days-out, Uncle started using the possibility of finding a boyfriend as an incentive for her to leave the hospital.

He'd say things like "A pretty girl like you dear niece, will have no trouble finding a handsome fellow. You might have to beat them off with a stick."

Azula had never had much luck with boys – so all of Uncle's nagging was as laughable as it was ridiculous. And it certainly wasn't the incentive that Uncle thought it was. A boy was not reason enough for her to want to go out into the world. She had absolutely refused to leave the hospital on such a fruitless mission.

She had absolutely refused to leave at all. But that was neither here nor there.

Zuko didn't nag her about finding a boyfriend. No, his nagging took a different direction. He'd blather on about _what her doctors were saying_ and how _it was for her own good _and she_ really had to get out more._ She could leave if she wanted. He'd clear his schedule and they could go anywhere she'd like to go. He'd been that way since her 17th birthday this summer. He and Dr Jung had a "long chat" that day and then the nagging has started.

Honestly – between the two of them, their nagging was driving her **madder than she already was. **

* * *

She'd broken into Dr Jung office to read what he had written in her file shortly after Zuko started the nagging. She wanted see if she could find a way to get Zuko to back off about her leaving here and having "a day out".

It was full of sentences like_ Azula is sane and stable enough to handle a day out of the hospital, Azula should begin to re-engage with the outside world if she is ever to make a full recovery from her breakdown and adjust to life outside the institution, _and _Azula's lack of desire to leave is a worrying symptom of institutionalisation. _

It was recommended that she be taken on at least one excursion every fortnight.

Well Azula had been on none since this report was written. She intended to keep it that way. Zuko'd have to drag her out by her hair if he wanted her to leave this place. He didn't resort to hair dragging, but the annoying nagging continued. Still, Zuko nagging her about leaving for a day was still infinitely less annoying than Uncle nagging her about finding a handsome fellow.

The very last thing Azula wanted in the middle of the night on Christmas eve – was another bout of nagging from her ridiculous Uncle.

* * *

They had a small argument that consisted of Azula demanding that her Uncle bugger off and leave her alone and Uncle refusing on the grounds that he was not her actual Uncle, but a spirit. (Azula knows intellectually that this is true. He looks like an even younger version of Uncle from her early childhood. His face is almost unlined and his hair is dark and glossy).

The Spirit of Christmas Present tells her that only seemed like her Uncle because she associated her Uncle with celebrations.

There was some spirited arguing over why Uncle at celebrations had left such an **indelible memory** on Azula's mind (how could anyone forget! Shameful behaviour! Li ands Lo? That is disgusting! Was the ninth verse of _the hedgehog song_ really necessary? Mixing beer and wine? At your age, you should know better! Etc.) Spirit Uncle was defensive – it wasn't his fault that Azula associated her Uncle with celebrations, and besides this Uncle sounded like he knew how to have a good time. She should have been expecting someone jolly – Didn't the Spirit of Christmas Past explain it to her?

There is some talk about how the Spirit of Christmas Past was meant to explain all this as well as give her the schedule for this evening to her. The Spirit of Christmas Present ascertains that Christmas Past was late again (as usual!) and skipped over that bit, which is** just unprofessional** and really someone has to have a word to the manager.

This is the first thing that Azula and her Uncle have agreed on in about 10 years.

Uncle explains that he is to show her around the Christmas that will happen tomorrow. They will explore together, discover together and be able to heckle her family together. Though she must come, their adventure will be so much more enjoyable if she is a willing participant. Realising she doesn't have a choice (as if she ever did), Azula sighs and gets up and takes his arm with some disgruntlement.

* * *

The Uncle of Christmas Present and Azula are instantly in Imperial Square, in the merchant/business district. The newly established trade agreements between the nations have contributed to a growing class of what mother would refer to as "new money." This district is where the "new money" dwell. It is full of overly ornate buildings which just scream** overcompensation **and **mid-life crisis.** The whole place smells of self importance.

The Blind Brat and Zuko are walking through the square. They are followed by a bevy of discreetly distanced guards. It is ridiculously early in the morning. Zuko is dropping Blind Brat off at her parents new house for Christmas. Lao Bei Fong has added to his already substantial fortune from the recent trade agreements and has bought a "little holiday home" in Imperial Square. Since the purchase of this house, the Bei Fongs have been much more involved with their daughter's life – much to her dismay.

Blind Brat is to spend Christmas day with her parents. She is bemoaning her fate quite loudly. One would almost think that she had been sentenced to a lifetime mucking out a sheep-pig sty, from the sheer barrage of lamentations she professes. She misses that way things were before – with them in Gaoling and her in the firenation and she only had to see them for two months in the summer.

She doesn't like how her mother hovers over her whenever possible and is always inviting her over for "a ladies luncheon" but never wants to do anything the Blind Brat herself would enjoy. The Blind Brat is especially incensed that she must go over on Christmas after _what her mother said to Zuko the other day. _

The Blind Brat feels like she is being disloyal to Uncle and Zuko by having Christmas with her parents, after what sounds like **a rather large argument. **Zuko, who has been listening to her moaning silently until this point, interrupts. "You can't just blame your Mum for that Toph. I said some nasty things to her too." The Blind Brat is very surprised by this attitude. Apparently her mother said some _really nasty things. _Zuko shrugs and explains that many people say nasty things to him. He's gotten used to it.

There is truth to this. Zuko has a fairly high threshold for tolerating unkindness towards his person. This is of great use to him in meetings full of hostile people. A certain acclimatization to enmity and disdain from others is perhaps the only benefit being raised by Ozai has yielded her brother.

Zuko tells the Blind Brat that he plans to apologise to her mother and make peace with her. If he can make peace with the entire Earth Kingdom, he is sure he can make peace with Poppy Bei Fong. He wants to be "the bigger person". The Blind Brat snorts at this and says that he already has that covered. He is at least twice her mother's height – therefore he is already the bigger person.

"Oh you know what I mean...look Toph, I don't want to fight with your Mum all the time. I want us to get along, so it's not awkward for you." Zuko states simply.

"Well, whatever happens, I'm on your side."

Zuko makes a frustrated little noise and says "There's no sides about it Toph. You don't have to pick! That's kind of like my whole point!"

_We're a family. There's no sides about it. _He's said that to Azula years ago. He still believes it.

Blind Brat is surprised by this outburst. Zuko continues by saying that he'd **never make Toph pick sides** between him and her mother. Uncle and Zuko have been talking and they don't want to come between Blind Brat and her family.

There is much rambling about how family is important and Blind Brat is part of his family and she'll always have a place with him and Uncle – but her Mother and Father are also her family and they have been feeling really neglected. Toph always choosing "his side" and opting to spend time with him and Uncle instead of her parents is getting her mother all up in arms. Toph always blowing her mother off was exactly why her mother so cross at Zuko.

Blind Brat is a bit put out by this rant and goes on the defensive. She grouches back about how her mother never used to want to spend any time with her. Blind Brat was practically raised by a succession of nannies – because her mother disliked spending time with her so much. And now Toph is older and she has decided that she dislikes spending time with her mother right back …..and a fancy luncheon is boring anyway.

Zuko grumbles back that yes, maybe "a luncheon" is a little boring for Toph – but if Zuko **had a mother **who'd moved across countries to be with him and who wanted to have lunch with him and spend time with him; he'd be bloody happy to eat finger sandwiches. Poppy Bei Fong is_ really making an effort _with the Blind Brat – can't the Blind Brat try to make an effort too?

Blind Brat seems to be a bit taken aback by this, and acquiesces. Well she says "fine, I'll spend Christmas lunch with her. But I'm going to shock her and put my elbows on the table and slurp my soup and there's nothing you can say that will stop me!" Zuko agrees to these terms.

"I'm probably going to have a better time with them anyway. I don't even want to go to your Christmas now that I know you're going swimming." Blind Brat continues with a nonchalant shrug. Zuko offers to teach her to swim (again) and has this offer soundly rebuffed. Blind Brat won't countenance the idea, not after_ the last time_ he tried to teach her to swim.

Zuko gets defensive right back, and says that she was never in any danger. Not after he taught her to tread water and paddle – and Zuko throwing her in was for her own good. Besides, it's how **everybody gets taught in the firenation**. Zuko got thrown in the deep end when he was five and he's a great swimmer now. It's the _classic sink or swim situation._

Blind Brat sees it more like_ a classic do I punch you in the face or throw a rock at your gonads situation. _

There is mild, good-natured bickering, which ends when Zuko says he just wants to make sure she knows how to swim before she leaves to go do some sort of crime fighting in Republic City. What happens if a bad guy figures out she can't swim and pushes her in the harbour? He's not having Toph** go out **by drowning. It's such a lame way to go for someone so badass.

"Yeah, it'd be almost as lame as nearly dying from a lifeboat to the head" the Blind Brat fires back cheekily, before giving him an affectionate punch on the arm.

Azula always knew she liked the Blind Brat for a reason.

* * *

Zuko drops the Blind Brat off at her parent's house and asks if he can speak with Poppy Bei Fong. The Blind Brat gives him another affectionate punch on the arm and wanders off to find her Dad. A servant comes and takes Zuko to see a well dressed, delicate looking woman.

They bow at each other stiffly and there is an awkward silence for approximately three seconds. Then there is an awkward moment that is full of talking when they both try to apologise to each other at once.

Poppy Bei Fong also feels that she has spoken out of turn. She was quite distressed when Toph rejected her the other day – but she did not mean to imply that Zuko... Zuko interrupts her here and says she doesn't need to apologise because he "gets it".

"You do?" Poppy asks, astonished. Her polite masks slips and she is all curiosity.

"Well Mums are protective, like platypus bears. When someone messes with their babies, they bite them back...and so you know...I wasn't surprised when you snapped at me. I understand why. " Zuko explains with many shrugs.

Poppy tilts her head and gives him a strange look. And intent, probing, inquisitive look. "Did you just say _Mums are like platypus bears – when someone messes with their babies, they bite them back_?" she asks with what sounds like apprehension.

Zuko seems to think he is in trouble and starts rambling about how he wasn't comparing Poppy to a platypus bear _in a bad way,_ he merely meant that... but Poppy raises a hand to silence him. " No, it's not that." she interrupts.

"It's just that Toph had a Nanny who used to say that phrase too. We had such a similar situation with her... Gosh, it was so long ago now. Toph was just so angry at me then – but this Nanny was so good with her. She sat her down and told her not to be harsh on me. I always remembered it because it affected Toph so. But she's the only other person I know who ever said that."

"Well, it's common enough phrase in the firenation. Maybe the nanny was from here?" Zuko offers.

"I don't know where she was from. Perhaps she was from here." Poppy replies.

"Perhaps we're not all **so bad** then?" Zuko says with a unsure smile.

"Perhaps not. " Poppy is smiling back at him.

There is a fragile sort of moment, the kind that accompanies a detente after a period of ill will. There has been a battle and now it is time to rebuild.

This little moment is something to build from.

It's a start, at least.

* * *

The Uncle Spirit is less talkative that the Avatar Spirit.

He's more show than tell.

Uncle spirit shows Azula so many different things; from happy banter between friends and people making peace with each other. Then there are presents, and feasts with all the trimmings and stupid games and splashes in big lakes. They watch the whole day unfold in a frantic joyous energy that Azula can only vaguely remember.

They are not watching Azula – and so the Uncle spirit never asks her to justify or explain herself. Azula likes that. She can enjoy his company a little more. His presence is less troublesome and invasive than the past.

The Spirit of the Present just _is._

Azula feels like there is no judgement, only jokes with the Uncle spirit.

She wishes her real Uncle could be like this with her.

* * *

After dropping off the Blind Brat, Zuko returns to the palace. It is still early, but the sky is that crystal clear blue. It is going to be a hot day. When he returns home, real Uncle (not the joyous, gentle spirit beside her) is the only one who is awake. They play a few games of Pai Sho at Uncle's request. Zuko is still terrible at it – but he indulges Uncle and plays with him anyway.

"I don't even know why you bother playing with him – he_ still _gets the rhododendron tiles and the lily tiles mixed up." Azula scoffs after Zuko has made a fatal (and stupid) error in his strategy.

"Well, they are very similar. It is hard when you are just learning." The Spirit of Christmas Present says good-naturedly in Uncle's jovial tone.

This spirit of Christmas present lives entirely in the moment. He has no past and no future. He has no recollection of the fact that Uncle has been trying to teach Zuko to play Pai Sho properly for the better part of six years. (He is a little aghast when Azula tells him and exclaims "Six years! Oh my! Well, let us hope he never gives up his day job to become a Pai Sho playing champion, eh?")

Bossy gets up and comes and sits with them. She greets Uncle cheerfully and gives Zuko a quick kiss. Then she looks at the board, and whispers something in Zuko's ear (about how lily tiles and rhododendron tiles are **not the same thing,** most likely). Either way Zuko concedes the game to Uncle immediately upon Bossy's arrival and pulls her down on to the couch with him.

Uncle is not at all surprised by their casual intimacy. So at some point between last Christmas and this Christmas they must have told him about their "secret relationship."

The day is already stinking hot. Bossy does something to cool them down. There is so much humidity in the air that it is easy for her to manipulate it with her bending. Cold drinks are also sent for. There is some discussion about how it went with Toph's family. Both Bossy and Uncle are glad that Zuko managed to be the "bigger person" and apologise.

The others get up and join them. Bossy's brother and father, the Kyoshi warrior Suki, Aang and Ty Lee are all in attendance. Presents are exchanged – the most notable of which is an ugly helmet. The water tribe boy called Sokka **made it himself** for Zuko.

It is some sort of in-joke between them - a reference to the shenanigans of last year, and the repeated protestation from Bossy that Zuko to go everywhere with a helmet. There is some hilarity from the boys at this. Bossy makes a face at them and mumbles some "too soon boys" rumblings.

Many people are made to wear the helmet in the course of the day. They all look ridiculous in it.

The happy group all go to the lake at the palace for a swim to cool down. There is some messing about on the rope swing. There is a game of blind man's bluff (during which there is much cheating).

They dive off the big rock and have splashing competitions. Bossy wins these, defeating the previously undefeated splashing champion, Uncle. But she is using her bending to cheat and Azula doesn't know if that is fair.

The Avatar does a series of stunts to impress Ty Lee. Ty Lee tries to replicate them.

Zuko and Bossy claim that they are going an a "walk " but nobody is really fooled. Everybody knows that what they mean by "walk" is _a long disgusting kissing and groping session under the palm trees_. But they give them privacy anyway and only heckle slightly.

So everybody but Azula must have been told. They have all been officially let in on the secret.

While they are gone, Sokka and Suki seem to want to play matchmaker (they are _that sort _of annoying couple). Sokka opts to tease the Avatar about his crush on Ty Lee until the Avatar flushes scarlet and runs away from the older boy's interrogation.

Suki and Ty Lee have a "girl talk" during which many unsubtle hints are dropped...in a simmilar manner to the way that stink-and-sink bombs were dropped in the ocean by idiot tribesmen. Ty Lee confesses that she finds the Avatar kind of cute...sometimes. But not as cute as she finds Bossy's dad – who she finds yummy.

Bossy's dad? Eeeewwwww!

"He's like five times your age, you nitwit!" Azula tells Ty Lee, only realising too late, that she is not actually present to give her friend some good advice.

She is an observing shadow and not a participant in this day.

* * *

Lunch is served in one of the gazebos near the lake. It is a real mix of things.

There is all the traditional seafood and cold meats and salads of the firenation. Cooling food is normally served in such a hot climate during celebrations.

There is some repellent looking substance called stewed seaprunes on the table. It looks like tigerdillo crap that has been boiled in the salty, bitter tears of newly orphaned children.

All the water tribe people seem to love it.

This is just one more reason why people should stop kissing Watertribe people – wouldn't they just taste like a salt-bomb after eating something like that?

There are also various roast birds from the Earth Kingdom – for those who have acquired the taste for roast goose. Azula certainly has. Roast goose is her favourite.

Ty Lee remarks upon this and says "It's a shame that Azula couldn't be here – she loves roast goose."

"She didn't want to come Ty Lee." Zuko says, repressively.

But he's wrong, its not that she didn't want to come. She just didn't know it would be like this.

* * *

"I'm meant to be him, aren't I?" The ghost of Christmas Present asks, while pointing at Uncle, who has just thrown his head back and is laughing hysterically at some comment Bossy's dad made. Azula nods in acknowledgement. This spirit ages rapidly and now appears almost identical to Uncle. Grey haired, wise.

"Well, aren't I handsome fellow" The spirit says appreciatively.

"All the old ladies at court seem to think so." Azula replies with a disdainful sniff. Uncle and his women were legendary. They have been keeping the gossips entertained for the past three years. One hardly heard of any other gossip, with the way that Uncle carried on.

Maybe Uncle making a spectacle of himself frequently helped Zuko keep his "secret relationship" with Bossy on the down-low.

Maybe it was deliberate?

The thought made her curl her lip in crossness.

"Are we not great friends in real life?" the Uncle-of-Christmas-Present asked her jovially.

"No particularly no. We don't care very much for each other, you and I. But we are related and so ostensibly we are meant to love each other." Azula tries to explain simply.

"Who am I to you?" the Uncle spirit queries.

Uncle spirit has needed lots of things explained to him (repeatedly), because he exists entirely in the present. He has no knowledge of past events. That's the thing about existing without a past – it leaves you completely adrift sometimes.

Adrift or not, Azula thinks it would be a wonderful way to live – If you could be completely in the present, you'd never be bothered by the past or worry about the future. You'd never be troubled at all.

"You are my Uncle." Azula says patiently (for at least the third time).

"You're Uncle eh? Well what a lucky man I am, to have such a niece!" The Uncle spirit says and gives her a huge affectionate pat on the back.

"The real you doesn't seem to think so" Azula says and she cannot keep the bitterness from her voice.

"I can't imagine why. You are clever, bright and funny. You would make a fine neice! I'm sure we are good to each other. We must love each other deep down – or I would never be able to appear to you like this." The Uncle spirit says happily.

"It would be very deep down." Azula tries for an airy tone, but her voice sounds brittle.

"Am I not a good Uncle to you. I seem to be a good Uncle to _that one._" The Uncle spirit points at Zuko here. "We seem very close" The spirit says as he observes Uncle try and shove a paper hat onto Zuko's head while Zuko struggles and tries to wrest it from Uncle's grasp.

"Well you've always loved Zuko more. You never made a secret of that." Azula snaps. As if she needed more reminders that every single person in her entire life always loved Zuko more than they loved her...except for father and that was only because he didn't love anyone...not as much as he loved himself.

"Why would I do a thing like that, when you are both such fine people?" there is no judgement in Uncle spirits question. Just genuine curiosity. He truly doesn't know.

This Uncle doesn't remember a crushing depression. He doesn't know that he was helped out of it by a small boy who kept bringing him snacks and insisting he eat.

He doesn't remember that that small boy had an even smaller sister – and she was angry and confused and had lost her hero of a cousin and her mother. She blamed her Uncle **for everything.** She had to blame someone... She said cruel things about Lu Ten's death being all his fault. She kept trying to push him back into that depression – because she was young and she thought that making her Uncle feel worse would make her feel better.

"I was not always a good niece to you. I used to try and make you sad on purpose... after you son was killed." Azula confesses to the spirit. The spirit listens, but doesn't judge her.

"Why?" The Uncle spirit asks calmly.

"Because Lu Ten was dead and I felt that it was your fault. You and your stupid obsession with Ba Sing Se was what got him killed in the first place." The spirit absorbs this but says nothing. He looks at her with Uncle's face – and even though Azula knows intellectually that this is not her Uncle, she can't help but brag and gloat.

"I conquered it, you know Uncle. I did what you **could never do** – not even in 600 days. It was a bloodless conquest too. Nobody was killed. So there! And you know what I found out – Ba Sing Se is a bit of a craphole. It's a shitheap full of smelly earthbenders who overcharge for trinkets. It's certainly not the glorious city you thought it was... It wasn't worth losing Lu ten for."

That is a small confession. Azula tries her best not to think of Lu Ten most of the time. His smile. His laugh. How he made her feel safe. But that day, in Ba Sing Se, after her coup had been successful and the loose ends had been tied, she looked out of the city disdainfully. She could only think _not worth it. _

"Not worth it? I imagine that you are perfectly correct dear girl. Anyone who has ever lost a loved one will agree...and yet many people still do die in war? Why does mankind persist in hurting each other."

This spirit could never hope to understand what drove people to hurt each other; to do things that they knew were wrong, to cause suffering just because they could.

"What would you know of war or suffering or pain – you are a jolly fool of a spirit, presiding over a stupid holiday." Azula scoffs, as she tries to dismiss his words. " I know little, but I imagine that you know enough of these subjects for both of us." There is a small silence.

"You think me foolish – because I see the joy in the world, but I see other things too. I can see that you are a young woman who is lost and confused. You have seen more of the world, with its astonishing cruelty, its incredible beauty and its sheer surprise than I could ever hope to perceive." The Uncle Spirit says gently.

Azula has the horrible notion that she is having_ feelings _as a reaction to his words.

She is so overcome by the sensation of feelings that she has to sit down.

The spirit kneels in front of her and takes her shoulders kindly. His genial good nature seeks to sooth a hurt.

"Dear girl, forgive me for being blunt – but I think you are giving yourself_ worms in the head,_ with the way you dwell on the bad things. Perhaps what you need is some rest, a little holiday from these thoughts... You can see that the world is not so very bad and other people are not so strange and frightening. Much like you, they feel sad, or small, or lost – but come Christmas, they put aside the bitter things to be sweet to each other. Wouldn't it be nice to have a little sweetness in your life?"

Azula feels herself nod – almost reluctantly.

"I tell you what, Dear Girl, how about we spend today pretending that I have always been a good and kind uncle to you and you, in return, have been always been a caring neice to me?" the spirit offers. "Christmas is a time to be with your family, isn't it?" he continues.

The idea that Azula and Uncle had been always been good to each other is a pleasant fiction.

Her life might have been vastly different.

After a moment's pause, Azula takes his offered arm, and they return to watching the scene unfold before them.

It's true. A little sweetness does make everything else less bitter.

* * *

There are Christmas crackers and everyone groans at how lame the jokes are (What happened to the turkeyduck at Christmas?_It got gobbled! - _Why did the turkeyduck join the band? _Because it had the drumsticks! __Etc)._ Everyone wears the lame hats and takes the piss out of each other. Then there is pudding. Everyone eats too much of it.

After pudding there is a game of charades. Azula knows many of the answers as calls them out fruitlessly. Her competitive streak rises. Where she actually present today, she could crush these people with her charades brilliance! She would defeat them for all time. She would be so good and win this game so decisively that they would never rise from the ashes of their defeat.

She would definitely beat Zuko at least, and that is the most important thing.

Zuko and Sokka are on the same team. They are **terrible **at this game. Sokka's gestures are all over the place and most of Zuko's guesses involve boobs or koala sheep. Everyone else has much fun at their expense, but is is a friendly, cosy sort of fun that is full of warmth and light.

Indeed the whole day is like that.

It's a friendly, cosy sort of day.

* * *

Bossy and Zuko agree that the day was a pleasant one. They are floating on their backs, chatting and occasionally splashing each other. They are the last ones left at the lake – because Bossy loves it so. They stay long after her father and Uncle succumb to food-comas and take to snoring in big hammocks, long after Sokka and Suki go on a "walk" of their own and long after the Avatar volunteers to escort Ty Lee home.

Zuko and Bossy both agree that it went well. Their first Christmas not hiding the fact that they are a couple and trying to combine their families was _a success. _

Her Dad made it though the whole day without being "weird" and Uncle made it through without nagging them about grand nieces and nephews. It is nice that _nearly_ everyone in their families could be with them.

Notable absent members:

Blind Brat – for obvious reasons.

Bossy's grandparents – they stayed in the South Pole this year, but they will be visited soon for the Southern Water Tribe new years celebrations. During these celebrations, Zuko will have to eat much water-tribe cuisine in all its salty glory. Ha-ha, sucks to be Zuko.

Mum – but Mum has an excuse because she is _probably_ dead.

And Azula.

"She wasn't ready to come this year. But maybe she'll come next year." Bossy offers optimistically, trying to find the silver lining. "Besides, if she did come, you would have to take her aside and_ tell her about us, _and who knows how she'll react to that."

"I'm sure she_ knows_ already – she just wants me to fess up and be honest with her." Zuko says and he swims a bit closer to Bossy. "and you know I tried that whole_ if you come, I'll tell you a secret_ thing, as like an incentive for her. And she just scoffed and said she knew all my lame secrets."

"You're probably right – She must know. She keeps making these comments to me". Bossy replies.

"She's not flirting with you again - is she?" Zuko asks quickly.

"I still don't see how telling me I'm_ so pretty that people will go to war over my face, and my face will launch a thousand ships and millions will die at sea, and the topless towers of Omashu will burn because of me_ is flirting." Bossy says, with an amused smile.

"That's how she flirts!" Zuko replies.

The Bossy says something cheeky about** weird flirting running in the family **and **the way he flirts.** He retaliates by splashing her and tickling her feet.

Instigating **a waterfight **with a **waterbender** in **water** is just one more bad decision in an endless series of _poor life choices_ for Zuko. But Azula has come to expect nothing else from her idiot brother.

* * *

Afterwards, when they are lying on the big rocks by the embankment, Bossy asks Zuko if he's "okay" with the fact that Azula didn't come. She can tell that he is gloomy about something and this is her first guess regarding the subject of his gloom. It is correct.

Zuko confesses he is really worried about Azula. She's been able to leave the institution for a year now – but she absolutely refuses. Her doctors have been on at him about the dangers of institutionalisation and getting her out and about. They have told him all about how she needs to take small steps on the road to interacting with the real world again.

Azula can think of nothing more dreadful. The real world was** awful **for her. And she was** awful** to it. It is best if they are kept separate.

Zuko says that he thinks Azula's become more frightened in the institution. He doesn't know what to do about this, because she was never scared of anything when they were kids.

He's wrong about this too. Azula was scared of being abandoned, rejected and found inferior to her brother when they were children.

All of these fears were well founded.

They have all subsequently happened to her.

* * *

"But now, it's like whenever I suggest taking her out for the day – she totally freaks out. She gets so cross at me for even suggesting it and she derails the conversation anyway she can. And I fall for it, _every time, _because I'm _an idiot_... And I just don't know what to do any more... Maybe I should just leave her be. She's always going on about how much the world sucks and how she doesn't need to leave the institution to know that only terrible things happen...and she really _believes that_. She's too scared to move forward and she's certainly too scared to go outside her door, and nothing I do or say seems to change that." Zuko rants, completely unburdening himself to Bossy. She props herself up on an elbow and scoots even closer to him while he talks. She listens with a thoughtful look on her face.

He tells her that he just wished he could understand or that he was better at knowing the right thing to say. He just doesn't understand why Azula would want to stay in a hospital. He hates hospitals and is always trying to get better and get out as quickly as he can. (Bossy smiles knowingly at this). He just doesn't understand why Azula is so content to just _stay. _

Bossy tells him she doesn't have the answer either. But she is sure that eventually they will figure it out together, because Things Always Work Out in the End..."So if they are not working out, then it is not the end" Zuko finishes her sentence for her. "That's the one!" Bossy says with a smile as she takes his face in her hands and kisses his mouth.

The scene fades.

* * *

The Spirit's time on the earth grows short and he wishes to see her home safely.

He's a good spirit like that.

His hair has gone a brilliant white and he looks old old old.

Azula wonders if this is how Uncle will look when he gets even older.

They shuffle away from Zuko and Bossy and the darkening sky above them.

The moon is coming out and another Christmas is over.

* * *

"Wouldn't you like to join them dear girl?" The Uncle-spirit asks her, as he nods over his shoulder at the pair.

"No, of course not! You big pervert!" Azula is horrified by the implication.

"Ho ho ho – not like that!" the Spirit chuckles. "No, I merely meant that today seemed like such good fun. Swimming, water fights, a feast, a silly competition and people who desire your company. Wouldn't you like to be with them for the day."

They have been moving through space and time while he is talking. At this point they magically appear back in her room at the hospital. "You don't want to be cooped up here forever." the Spirit says and gives her a jovial nudge.

"I'm fine here." Azula says repressively.

"Are you?" the Spirit who looks like Uncle asks and gives her a questioning look.

"Yes I am, thankyouverymuch. I'm **not scared** you know – **Zuko is totally wrong about that**, I'm not_ scared _to leave the institution, I just don't want to." She says all that very forcefully, as if she is trying to convince the Uncle Spirit. He remains unconvinced, but says nothing. Azula tries again.

"I _love _it here. I get treated like a princess and waited on hand and foot – but I don't have to deal with any of the bad things that came with being a princess. I can just lie there and think. I can let Ming fuss over me. Zuko and Ty Lee and Bossy and Uncle all visit me. The Blind Brat comes to bitch me out whenever I've said something too horrible. She is delightful to fight with. The Avatar comes with Ty Lee and he is just made for teasing. _The world comes to me _– and I don't even have to lift a finger. My life if good here... I'd have to be** completely nuts **to trade a day here for a day out in the real world." Azula rants angrily at the spirit.

"Not even if that day is Christmas day?" The Uncle spirit asks mildly.

"Look, no offence, I know that Christmas is like "your thing" - but all my past Christmases have been pretty bad. If fact, I can honestly say that my past Christmases have sucked monkey balls. I know – I just got to relive them all!" she is being acerbic and bitter, but the spirit does not give any indication that she is disappointing him. Instead he is even more gentle.

"Our past doesn't have to define us my dear girl. It is where we have come from, but it does not dictate where we will travel too. Where you go from here, what the next year brings – that is for you to decide. It is your choice." The Uncle spirit says softly and looks at her like he is looking right through her.

"Besides, it doesn't do to dwell so much on the past that you never live in the present. You rob yourself of a future that way." The Uncle Spirit continues sagely.

She is also looking right through him. He is slowly becoming more transparent. He doesn't have much longer in this world – and maybe it is that fact alone that makes it easier for Azula to confide in him. He'll take her secret to the grave...in just a few minutes.

"Maybe Zuko's right okay. Maybe I am scared of moving forward – but that is because there is plenty to be scared of. There are so many awful things out there. Even things that are meant to help you (like lifeboats) end up hurting you. Maybe I wouldn't even know how to go about moving forward... even if I wanted to. So my choice is to stay."

There, she has said it aloud now.

The spirit smiles softly down at her, with her Uncle's kind and wise face. She'd never allowed herself to think of Uncle as kind or wise. His stupidity, obstruction, laziness and uselessness was drummed into her by her father since early childhood, until it got to the point when she would look at Uncle and only see a fat, lazy, useless, old obstruction.

But now, she sees a wise and kind face that has_ lived. _

_O_h the things this face has seen.

The Uncle spirit lifts her chin with a warm hand. The hand, and the rest of him, is vanishing rapidly now. With the last of his time on earth, he tells Azula a final piece of advice.

"Dear girl, when you are lost in the dark, sometimes the best thing to do is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will come to a better place."

Just like that he vanishes, with a twinkle that sounds like mother's chains, leaving Azula once again, alone in her room.

* * *

But she will not be alone for long.

There is still one more ghost to see.

The ghost of Christmas future.

* * *

notes:

Lovely readers, thanks for reading the Ghost of Christmas Present. I hope you enjoyed it! I'm not sure if non-commonwealth countries have "christmas crackers". I was told it was more of a british/former british colony thing. If you need an explanation - let there be google. The little explosive strip in christmas crackers made me think it would be good for a firenation christmas, as I'm sure they would figure out a way to use explosives in their celebrations.

Deepest apologies to Christopher Marlowe for bastardising his "face that launched a thousand ships" speech for the purpose of Azula fliriting.

Next chapter it will be time to go back to the future!

Onwards dear readers!


	5. Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

-o-o-o-

* * *

Azula curls up in her bed. She hides under her blanket and hopes that if she ignores this next spirit, it will just go away. But then the spirit comes, and it is a voice she absolutely cannot ignore.

"Azula? Young Miss? Time to get up, My Little Dragonfly."

Azula flings back the blanket, her voice is shaking with a fragile, tremulous hope as she utters "Lu Ten?" in complete disbelief.

She sounds like Uncle, all those years ago.

This time, he is actually there. It is really him. Her cousin stands before, larger than life.

He does not glow like the other spirits. He does not shimmer like her hallucinations did. He looks exactly as he did, that last day she saw him. Young, strong, bold. She rushes over to him and he pulls her into a deep and comforting hug. A hug that is like a wide, deep field in springtime. A hug that is strong enough to carry all misery away. There is a solidity to this spirit. Azula thinks she can even smell him. Sandalwood soap and sweat.

"You're here. You're really here. You came back. Oh my, I must be dreaming." Azula hears herself babble, her words tumbling over each other like excited children. Lu Ten hushes her, calms her – like he used to do when she was very small.

"How are you even here?" Azula asks, incredulous. Though she knows he is but a spirit, she had never expected the Ghost of Christmas Future to look so very much like her cousin. To _be_ so very much like her cousin.

"Perhaps I just missed my young cousin and wanted to check up on you." Lu Ten states and gives her a wide smile.

"You did?" Azula asks.

"I did." Lu Ten affirms. "How are you, little Azula? Really." He asks, his brow furrowed slightly in concern as he looks about her room. Her haven.

"Not so good, really. I've been dragged out of this room, unwilling by very insistent spirits twice this night. If it is all the same to you, I would very much like to stay." Azula replies honestly, because she and Lu Ten had never lied to each other.

"Why?" Lu Ten asks simply.

"It's scary out there." The truth at last.

"Maybe I can help?" Lu Ten offers. "I can keep the scary things away. I can make you feel safe... and give you a glimpse of what's to come, at least...then you can see for yourself, there is not so much to be frightened of."

"I don't know..."Azula is uncertain. Lu Ten seems to be giving her a choice, which is unusual. The other spirits didn't do that.

"Do you trust me?" Lu Ten says, as he offers her his hand.

"Yes" Azula replies, as she takes it.

When it came to Lu Ten, the answer was always yes.

-o-

They are somewhere snowy, but they don't feel the cold. It is Christmas eve, in a city far away. There are buildings, which stand huddled in big clusters. Everything looks unfamiliar.

"Where are we?" Azula asks.

"We are in Republic City. It does not exist yet, but it will. A marvellous city. The four elements and the four nations mix together here in the **great stew of life."** Lu Ten says with an expansive pass of his hand.

"The great stew of life?" Azula snorts. It is the dumbest metaphor she has ever heard.

"What? I was just trying to be poetic like my Dad." Lu Ten says with a shrug.

"You'd need to be at least four times and fat and twice as barmy – to be like _your dad._" Azula replies, but she says it with a smile.

"Well all I was trying to convey is that everything and everyone has poured into this city. Here everyone has a chance to build their life anew. A fresh start for all. The possibilities are endless here. Any future is possible." Lu Ten says as he once again does a big gesture with his arms, encouraging Azula to look at the world around her.

Colours. Light. Smiles.

All life is here.

She sees people from all the nations mixing together peacefully. Earth, air, fire, water, bender and non bender, all seemingly at peace.

"This is impossible." she scoffs. She would have never imagined a future where all the nations could live in harmony.

"An impossible city is full of possibilities...that's got to be some sort of proverb, hasn't it?" Lu Ten muses.

"Oh no! It's starting! You're looking for proverbs everywhere. You really are your father's son." Azula teases.

* * *

They wander in the direction of something called an Airship Port. It appears that the Airships are now used to transport people, not soldiers, between the regions. Azula sees an Airship hovering and a gangplank is lowered. There is a crowd below waiting to greet the disembarking passengers.

"So this is the future." Azula asks, softly.

"This is one of many possible futures." Lu Ten explains.

"So this won't necessarily happen?" Azula asks. She wants to be sure either way. She likes certainty.

"What happens next is for you to decide, Young Miss. You could go any number of ways, however I felt a strong connection between you and this future." Lu Ten says.

"Why?" Azula asks.

"Perhaps you will see some things here that will help you. Give you some hope, something to look forward to." Lu Ten says, as he smiles at something behind Azula.

Azula scoffs in disbelief again. Having hope was just as stupid as loving someone.

She cannot imagine that the world has anything to offer her. It certainly has nothing left for her to hope for. She tells all this to Lu Ten, but he just smiles enigmatically at her and tells her to turn around.

Azula sees herself...older.

She looks healthy. She does not stand out overly in this crowd. No one is starring at her unkindly. She is dressed in fine black woollen coat, with a red scarf around her neck and her hair pulled back into a smart bun. She smiles at a tall woman who comes over to her, with two cups of tea in hand.

Azula feels her jaw hit the floor.

Oh Mum!

It is her mother.

She is alive and well.

They are together again after all these years.

Mother hands the tea to Azula and tells her that it will warm her up. She then warns Azula to be careful, because it is still boiling hot. The older Azula tells her mother not to fuss, and sips her tea anyway – making a slight face when she scalds her mouth. Ursa tuts. Then Ursa smiles at Azula as she blows on her own tea and says "I won't say I told you so."

"You just said it." Azula of the future snaps and then shivers slightly.

Her mother shuffles closer to her. Ursa rearranges Azula's scarf. Ursa tries to warm Azula with her bending. She heats the air around them. Azula, always contradictory, smiles in gratitude at her mother, before sighing and rolling her eyes and saying "stop fussing, will you mum?"

Things are so domestic and cosy between them. So normal. Azula can hardly believe her eyes. They are almost like any other mother and daughter, mildly bickering while they wait.

-o-

They are waiting for Uncle, Zuko, Bossy, and their ever expanding brood of children. There are two already, a girl and a boy. The five of them disembark and there is much ado as they all greet each other. The kids call her Zuzie – because Azula is far too difficult for their infant tongues.

"Well, at least Zuzie is a bit more dignified than Gruncle." Uncle Iroh says as he gives her a slight hug. He has been unceremoniously dubbed Gruncle, by his much longed for grand niece and nephew. No incentive can make these children refer to him as anything other than Gruncle. He shall remain Gruncle **for all time. **He will never rise above the indignity of this nickname.

Bossy is inappropriately affectionate, as is fitting with the ways of her people. She gives Ursa and Azula a big, soppy hug each and then she gets a bit moist in the eyes. Zuko gives Azula the awkward hugs that are more fitting in the firenation. But the awkward hug is cut short when he sees the boy make a dash for freedom.

The boy is evidently one of _those children. _

Azula isn't surprised that Zuko has fathered** a dasher.**

* * *

A Dasher = The sort of child that wanders off on the least provocation, after shiny things and puppies, etc.

* * *

"Lu Ten – get back here." Zuko admonishes as he darts after the boy and scoops him up. Mum goes over to him and gives him and the small struggling child a huge hug than envelopes them both. Azula can hear the words "missed you" and "missed you too" between Zuko and Mum.

Mum hugs Zuko a bit longer than Azula feels is necessary and she feels a familiar flicker of jealousy. It's just a flicker though. Not the bonfire of envy that she was so used to. Azula has started to make peace with the fact that everybody loves Zuko more. She understands their reasons, at least.

* * *

Lu Ten is handed over to "Nanny" - who is eager to cuddle him. Mum bounces him on her hip and blows a raspberry on his head, delighting him endlessly. Mum tweaks the kid's nose and murmurs "Oh little Lu Ten, you are _just like _your cousin was at your age." in a voice that is soft and gentle and full of nostalgia.

Lu Ten stiffens beside her, as they watch the group depart. "He named him after me." Lu Ten whispers – almost to himself. He seems very pleased, but it's the sort of pleased that can be mistaken for sadness.

There's a bittersweet quality to it.

* * *

The group travel to a large, fine looking house. Lu Ten explains to her that it is the Mayor's residence. The Kyoshi Warrior Suki has just been elected Mayor of Republic City. She was the leader of the occupying peace keeping force and has won the hearts of the people. She's married Sokka, who is currently the dean of engineering at Republic University.

They live comfortably – but this does not stop Zuko's daughter, Kya, from stating bluntly "Our house is **like 18 times** bigger than this house!"

Ah, the girl has inherited her father's tact.

Bossy kneels in front of Kya and tries to explain why that sort of comment is inappropriate. Unsuccessfully. Kya doesn't see why they couldn't have Christmas in the firenation Palace. It's bigger, it's warmer and there's less stupid snow so Lu Ten doesn't act like a terrible show off.

Lu Ten, the dasher, is a talented waterbender like his Mother. He has spent the entirety of the trip doing tricks with water to impress Nanny and Zuzie, despite Zuko and Bossy both admonishing him. _No icediscs in the carriage Lu Ten, you know the rules. _Etc.

Zuko and Bossy try to explain to Kya about seeing her new cousin, and having christmas together as a family at Uncle Sokka and Auntie Suki's place. It's not fair to expect everyone to always have to come to the firenation. Kya crosses her arms and declares that she hates this christmas.

Azula feels like this Kya is a girl after her own heart.

* * *

There is a big reunion just in front of the house. There is much ado and many hugs. Sokka and Zuko's hug becomes some sort of manly competition in which they both try to see if they can "lift" the other man off his feet. It ends in inelegant struggling.

Then Suki and Bossy get clucky like mother hens and usher everyone inside, so that people don't catch their death of cold. There is a new baby who is passed around like she is a pass-the-parcel. Azula is not so interested in the baby. She is more interested in the snacks and drinks.

There are finger biscuits and gingersnaps and hot toddies. Azula is clearly fond of all three.

* * *

Bossy doesn't have a hot toddy. Her brother is suspicious. "You're not drinking? Bloody hell, You're Not Drinking!" He pulls his sister towards him in a crushing bear hug. Honestly, has Bossy become some sort of disgustingly drunken wench in the future – to warrant this sort of carry on?

It is possible...she is married to Zuko after all. That would drive anyone to drink.

"I am going to be an Uncle...Again!" Sokka announces happily.

Oh – she's not a disgustingly drunken wench. She just pregnant.

He gets a slight admonishment from Bossy – as she wanted to make her own announcement, but that is swallowed up by everyone else's effusive joy at this news. Even future Azula seems glad enough at this news. Though she only shows that by a slight smile. She catches Zuko's eye across the room and raises her glass to him, in silent salutation. He grins back at her like a big idiot.

* * *

Azula can't help but laugh her arse off as she sees the Avatar has become trapped in a worrying conversation with young Kya. He has made the rookie mistake of saying that "violence is never the answer".

Kya strikes Azula as the sort of girl who doesn't do well with absolutes.

The Avatar looks nervous, as the small girl charmingly lists all the situations that she feels would be_ appropriately solved by violence. _She concludes by saying; "Auntie Toph uses violence when she catches very bad men who do very bad things."

"Yes...but Kya that doesn't mean that she_ should._.." The Avatar is not used to dealing with tiny child logic. He is trying to have a deeply philosophical conversation.

"Why not? Those men are bad, bad, bad and they do very bad things to people with violence... if you don't stop them...(Kya pauses, finger raised to her lips, deep in thought) ….there there would be lots and lots and lots of violence because the bad men would keep doing it. So you need to use a bit of violence to stop more violence. So sometimes, **violence must be the answer.**" Kya evidently feels that her logic is infallible.

"But it's not." the Avatar says gently.

"Is too." Kya fires back.

"No! It's not!" The Avatar's getting a bit frustrated.

"Okay...what if I am the best firebender the world has ever seen and I run into a man who** I know** is a bad man who ….like kills people with shovels **all the time. **So this man kills people with a shovel everyday, and I run into him and he **has a shovel.**... don't I have **a duty** to stop him, as the world's best firebender?

The Avatar blinks twice. He has never thought in depth about the moral implications of dealing with _a shovel wielding serial killer_, so he does not have a ready answer. Instead he looks around for someone to palm this conversation off onto. He sees the perfect someone for the job.

"Zuko – can you come here for a second." The Avatar cannot keep the twinge of desperation from his voice.

-o-

Zuko cannot help but smile when the conversation is relayed to him by Kya. He tries to hide it, but Azula can tell he's amused. He indulges Kya's shovel wielding -serial killer hypothetical. He doesn't dismiss her idea or her childlike logic. Instead they talk very seriously about the best way to deal with the shovelling, serial-killing psychopath.

Zuko convinces Kya that because the serial killer uses a shovel – he would have some connection to earth, therefore Auntie Toph would be the best person to deal with him. Kya's first duty would be to **keep herself safe **and go tell an adult, so that they could fetch Auntie Toph. Kya agrees that this would be the best course of action. A promise to do this is extracted from her.

Azula watches the whole conversation with some surprise.

Zuko's actually not bad at it...at the whole Dad thing.

Azula always assumed he'd be a crap father. With their Dad as an example, how could Zuko even hope to be otherwise?

Suddenly, the Ghost of Christmas Present's words pop into her head, unbidden.

_Our past doesn't have to define us. _

_-o-_

There is a game of hide and seek, to keep the kids occupied. Zuko is instructed to count to _a million_ by Kya – so that she can find a really good hiding place. He sits on the stairs and closes his eyes and starts counting. Little Lu Ten goes and settles behind him. Without missing a beat, or opening his eyes, Zuko says "Lu Ten, hiding _behind me_ is not a good hiding place." Lu Ten looks a bit startled that his brilliant plan has been discovered so easily and scampers off. Azula silently takes his seat.

"Lu Ten... if you keep hiding behind me, Kya will win every game." Zuko says patiently.

"It's just me." Azula of the future says. Zuko doesn't flinch at all at having her sneak up on him. Instead he opens his eyes and turns around and smiles at her. Azula of the future smiles back.

-o-

"So another one? You ready for that?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Oh, forget it."

"No...ask me."

"Do you think you'll have enough love for the third one?"

"What? Enough love? Of course I will. Love's not like chocolate cake you know. It doesn't run out."

"But it does. Loving people is exhausting. Aren't you tired?"

"I'm never tired of loving my family. I'm tired out by so many other things, but **never them.**"

…

…

…

"Do you want to know what I think your one problem is?""

"You think I only have one? You surprise me Zuko. I thought you would have come up with numerous problems for me - listed and possibly alphabetised."

"Urgh – forget it!"

"No, tell me **the one problem**."

"You've always thought that love was finite and there was only so much of it to go round. That's why we had to _compete so hard for it _when we were kids. And now you're still scared of caring for people because you always worry that they are going to run out of love for you. But love's not like that at all. You'll see one day – the more you give, the more you get back. Love is infinite."

"Love is infinite? You got that from one of Uncle's ballards."

"Maybe I did. Doesn't mean it's not true though."

" Even if it's true – You're still the cheesiest, soppiest bastard alive for saying that."

"Well, you're still the most sarcastic smartarse to ever exist."

" You're such a dum dum."

"I'm not wrong, though."

"No, maybe you're not."

...

...

...

"Look, just so you know...and we don't have to make **a big thing,** with _the hugging_ and_ the emotions_ and _all of that crap_...but ...you know...you're my sister...and I love you...I'm not going to run out of love for you ….okay."

"Okay...look, I agree about the _no big thing _and the_ no hugging_. ...and maybe I agree about the other thing. Maybe...you know...I might love you too...

…..

...

**"Urgh, Zuzu **– I thought we agreed! No Hugging!"

"Oh for once in your life, can you not be difficult!"

"Fine - just this once."

-o-

There is Zuko and Azula sitting on the stairs and hugging, in the distant, far away future. The improbable image becomes very bright, filled with a brilliant white light.

Scenes haven't faded like this before.

She turns to Lu Ten, alarmed, and asks "what's happening?"

"I think the sun is coming up. We don't have much time left Young Miss. I think you must have spent much time in the past." Lu Ten says, not accusingly, but sadly. He is sorry their time together is so short.

Azula thinks on the words of The Spirit of Christmas Present.

_It does not do to dwell so much on the past that you never live in the present. You rob yourself of a future that way_

-o-

They are back in the room.

Azula can feel the coming sunrise in her bones.

Lu Ten is apologetic. He is so sorry. He wished they had more time. He wanted to show her so much. He so very much wanted to help her. But now there is no time left.

Azula's default is anger. She always feels angry when she is faced with things she doesn't like, unpleasant realities and goodbyes.

She feels another goodbye is coming. She rounds on her cousin in anger, because he's going to leave her again and there is very little she can do about it...and that hurts. Feeling hurt makes her cross.

"Why are you even trying to help me?" she demands angrily.

"Because I love you and I want you to be happy." Lu Ten says like it is the simplest thing in the world.

"Nobody loves me. Not really."

"Your brother still does."

"Well he **shouldn't** after what I did to him. It's just because he's an idiot and he hasn't figured out that I'm not worth the effort yet."

"Maybe he thinks you are."

"I'm not. Even my own mother thought I was a monster who didn't deserve to be happy." She knows it is a lie. Mother didn't think that at all. It is easier to blame her Mother. It is easier to say that Mother thought she was a monster and that is why her life turned out the way it did. That lie is comforting.

" She didn't. Your mother's love was infinite." Lu Ten says – not letting the lie continue.

Azula doesn't know if she believes that the way that Zuko and Lu Ten do. Maybe love was infinite for them – because they both had so much love in them to begin with. Love was as unfair as money. It clustered around people who already had so much of it. There was never enough left over for Azula: and there was_ a reason _for that.

She wasn't loveable.

She was cruel and unkind.

She had done so many bad things and hurt so many people.

"Maybe **I think** I'm a monster who doesn't deserve to be happy." Azula says.

The absolute truth.

The truth at the bottom of everything.

Azula knows for certain that there is something bad and monstrous in her – how else could she do all the things she's done. She is a bad person.

"Maybe I know _exactly how that feels._ Maybe I thought I was a monster too." Lu Ten says softly.

A surprise confession.

A sincere confession.

Azula and Lu Ten don't lie to each other.

* * *

Azula had not seen this coming. She is aghast that her wonderful cousin could think such a thing about himself. "You weren't ever a monster Lu Ten. You only pretended to be for our game." She says forcefully. It was only make-believe.

Lu Ten sits on her bed and stares at his hands a second, before he looks up. He looks her in the eye. She _knows_ that look. She sees it in the mirror sometimes in summer.

"It wasn't a game in Ba Sing Se. kids were hurt because of me. Kids died because of me. They called me a monster. They called me a butcher. And they were right." Lu Ten says, guilt closing his throat around the word "right".

Azula understands this feeling. The throat closing guilt. It stops you from saying sorry, even if you want to.

The face in the mirror during summer is a guilty face. Lighter clothing for everyone means that she sometimes gets a look at a starburst shaped scar on her brother's chest. It pokes out from light shirts. It gleams at her from the sides of tunics. It itches in the heat...and Zuko scratches it. She tries her best to pretend she doesn't see that lightning scar. She tries to forget that actually happened. But her face remembers...and reminds her.

Azula goes and sits next to Lu Ten. She places her hand on his back. She is awkward and unused to comforting others, especially not her brave, beautiful cousin, who always seemed so strong. "But you didn't mean for that to happen." Azula says softly with certainty. She says it like intentions make all the difference.

"No I didn't. But it happened all the same. I still feel bad about it. " Lu Ten replies. His voice says that he knows full well what the road to hell is paved with.

His confession is so raw and honest – Azula feels it is only fair to match it with a confession of her own. She hesitates as she speaks. "I didn't mean to nearly kill Zuko... that time with the lightning... But it happened all the same... I still feel bad about that."

There is a silence between them for a second. A shared secret silence. Azula now knows that she is not the only person who has felt this way. She feels less alone right now. There is a moment. This moment between them is one of those pesky, blasted Moments...full of feelings.

But Moments aren't so bad, actually.

This one is warm and comforting, like hot toddies in winter.

* * *

"Have you told him?" Lu Ten asks flatly.

"What?" Azula is confused.

"That you feel bad about it. That you are sorry." Lu Ten clarifies.

"No. don't be silly." Azula replies with a dismissive wave. She doesn't do apologies. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't. The guilt closes her throat and stops her from saying the words. Zuko's never asked for the words anyway.

"You could, you know...you could say sorry. Saying sorry does wonderful things. It would be something to build on. A solid foundation. A start at least." Lu Ten suggests, before adding "It might make you feel less bad."

"Doubtful – feeling sorry hasn't made you feel less bad after all." Azula states simply.

"That's because I can't do anything with this guilt. I cannot tell those children how sorry I am. I can't make it up to their families. I can't ever atone. I'm actually, literally, properly dead, you see..." Lu Ten retorts instantly. His untimely death is evidently a sore spot for him. Understandable sore spot, really.

"But** it's different** for you." Lu Ten says with certainty, before explaining himself. "That's why I wanted to show you the future so badly. I thought that if I could help you..." Lu Ten trails off here, as if he foresees that all his hopes for Azula go unfinished.

Suddenly he turns and takes her by the shoulders. He says urgently "You can atone, My young Miss Azula. You have choices...You are still yet living. There is blood in your veins and thoughts in your head and so many possibilities before you."

He lifts her chin and tilts her head, so that she is looking out the window. "Think about the world outside Little Dragonfly. Surely there are some things you wish to do out there."

It is a clarion call. A call to action.

She could go forth into the world. She could say sorry. She could atone. She could build her life anew.

One day there will be a city that if full of people starting over again, and there will be a place for her there.

Azula wants to rise to the challenge, but she can't help but snap churlishly "The world outside sucks." She says this forcefully, because she is certain that it does. It sucked before she came to the institution. Her Dad sucked. Being lonely sucked. Being special sucked. Almost everything in her life sucked.

Being in the hospital doesn't suck.

Hiding here is _so much easier_ than facing what she did.

Facing what she did will suck too – Azula is sure it will.

"The world doesn't always suck. It's not always bad. Sometimes it is so good you heart fills up with it." Lu Ten says, as he looks out the window too. Light is filling the sky. Sun up soon. Time is fleeting.

"But it's filled with bad things. Even the things that are meant to help you, like lifeboats and brothers, they can end up hurting you." Azula retorts, almost pleading for Lu Ten to give her an excuse to stay.

"That is true. There is always the risk of pain and sadness. That is the risk that you must take." Lu Ten, always honest with her. He doesn't tell her that she wont be sad or hurt. He doesn't demean her intelligence and say that there is no risk involved in venturing forward.

The sun creeps over the horizon.

Lu Ten has something he dearly wishes to say. He wastes no more time in saying it. The sunrise waits for no man, ghost or spirit after all. His young strong body fades in the sunlight.

He's just a voice in her head now.

"Think of the world, My Little Dragonfly. Think about love and atonement and forgiveness and making peace with yourself. Think about _hide and seek_ and _the song that doesn't end._ Think about putting one foot in front of the other and eventually coming to a better place. Think about roast goose and new carpets and motherly fussing. Think about living in the now and how love can make things possible. Think about the world and how it might not suck."

With the chiming sound of mother's chains and a soft sigh, the voice fades away.

-o-

Azula wakes a few moments after sunrise on Christmas morning. She knows that today is Christmas day. She doesn't need to ask passing beggars to be certain.

She turns her face to the light outside her window. She wakes up thinking on the world, and how it might not suck - because she knows that Lu Ten is telling her the truth.

He's the only one who has never lied to her after all.

She thinks about love and atonement and forgiveness and making peace with herself. She thinks about how if she wants to, and if she feels ready, she can send a message to her brother.

A message that says she would like to pass the day with him, like a "normal family".

He'll come and get her, because he always does.

She thinks about how she can go to feast where there will be some togetherness.

She can go out into the world for a day.

She can stand on her own two feet.

She can take a breath.

Take a step.

She can put one foot forward.

And then another.

* * *

Fin.

* * *

notes:

Lovely readers.

We have reached the end of this dickensian adventure. I changed the tone of the "ghost of Christmas Future" chapter. Azula's problem is different from Scrooge's and so it needed a different approach. Still I hope you enjoyed it all the same. and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year my lovely readers.

Til next time...


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